The Official Whoniversity of Fanfiction
by Vilinye
Summary: The powers that be have decided to establish a university where Doctor Who including Sarah Jane Adventures/Torchwood fanfic writers can learn to write properly. Involves fish & chips, pig-human hybrids, TARDIS mix-ups, and pain. Updated MONTHLY.
1. T Minus Sanity

Author's Note: Things I don't own

_Mini-Balrogs and Official Fanfiction Universities belong to Miss Cam_

_Mini-Aragogs, Mini-Reapers, and Bleeprin belong to whoever invented them in the Protectors of the Plot Continuum._

_Sajeddy (Sarah Jane Teddy) was accidentally created by Blinded-Kit and stolen by me._

_Doctor Who, The Sarah Jane Adventures, Torchwood, and all characters, tools, fictional locatons, and species therein belong to the BBC._

_reTARDISes belong to the Family Guy/Doctor Who spoof "Doctor Stew"—in my case, the "re" stands for "Restricted."_

_All bad English was translated using lingo2word._

_Dr+Rose4vrr and her fic "Eternal Rose" are entirely my own creations._

_HONF(high-octane nightmare fuel) is a TV tropes term_

_"The Ultimate Doctor Who Survival Guide" is a real fic by Elvaro and is used with permission_

_Zoe, Ashley, Sara, Evelyn, Nichelle and Roheryn are based on real people with their permission._

_And with all that said… here's the story._

* * *

><p>T-Minus Seven Days<p>

"Where's the transmit beams? The kitchen in reTARDIS 27 isn't installed yet!"

"I lost my sonic. What if a student finds it?"

"Cyberman 63 just deleted Dalak Caan!"

"Mistress Grace, the perception filter on Torchwood Five is phasing."

"_I wish today was just like every other day," _Someone warbled off key, just loudly enough to be heard in the clamor.

"Quiet!" Grace exploded. Everyone in the hall turned to look at her. "Don't worry about the kitchen in 27, it'll turn up. I think I saw a sonic in Galadrile's bedding. Don't worry about Caan; he survived the Time War, I doubt a random Cyberman could kill him. K9, ask Mr. Newman to analyze Torchwood's perception filter. And Esther, could you take over for a moment? I'm going to the lounge for a moment of quiet."

As the crowd dispensed down the hallways, Grace rubbed her forehead. "One week till the opening of the Official Whonivesity of Fanfiction. Whose bloody idea was it for the students to arrive the same day as Series 6 starts?"

_If we start right at season six, we can train them before a new flood of fics distorts canon. _After briefly assuring the others that they could still watch new episodes in real time, the motion had passed.

Grace gritted her teeth. If she remembered whose idea that was, she would unleash the minis on her. Granted, they only had two minis, but that was still a sufficient threat.

* * *

><p>T-Minus Four Days<p>

Miss Esther was researching Series 6 rumors in the W1L lounge (only non-canon staff were allowed in,) including the dozen-plus Facebook pages she subscribed to. After all, it was important to know what rumors would be circulating among pupils. At least, that's what she would have said to anyone who asked.

On the other hand, Galadrile was roasting Esther's Starbursts and marshmallows, while Sajeddy relaxed by Esther's feet. The min, properly named Sarah Jane Teddy, had been rescued from a Sarah Jane Adventures and Harry Potter crossover, and combined aspects of the Time Reapers with acromantulan features, as well as a crooked walk due to its spin-off origins

_Ping. _The laptop notified her of a new update to Facebook. Esther looked down at the screen. At the short notification, her heart jumped. _No. No no no let it be a hoax._

_**Lis Sladen died of cancer today at age 63. **_

At that moment, the door buzzed open for Grace. "Whatcha doing, Esther?"

Lips trembling, Esther pointed at the screen.

Grace read the announcement twice before speaking. "Are you sure it's accurate?"

"Ask Mr. Newman." The Xylock kept records of both Whoniverse and World 1 media reports.

"The actress isn't the character," Grace reminded her. "I checked on the Brigadier after Nicholas Courtney died, and the Brig was fine."

"He didn't have a spinoff. They might have a funeral in SJA, that is, if they even keep it going." Sajeddy uncurled and stared at Esther as the girl spoke.

"On the other hand, we definitely should call an early meeting to inform the canon characters most likely to be impacted. All of the Sarah Jane Adventures characters, and then Three and Four from the classics…"

"Henry, the Brig, and Yates too. She met 1, 2, and 5 on Gallifrey's Death Zone, but 10 and 11 had longer interactions." Esther swallowed again. "I've seen all her episodes. Sarah Jane was my favorite."

Grace hugged the other girl. "Why don't you come with me as I make the connections? I was intending to teach you how to work the inter-reality cannon anyway. We adapted it from the parallel Torchwood..."

* * *

><p>T-Minus Three Days<p>

Roheryn took her sonic dagger and tested the settings on the inter-reality cannon again. Being a later hire for the most complicated sector compounded her stress. With only two surviving members from the cast, she had to time classes very carefully. Even with in-school immunity from most alien artifacts, she really didn't want to mess with things. The Resurrection Gantlets, for example….yeah, bad idea.

_Thwarp. _"Come in."

Grace stepped through the door, carefully avoiding the pile of sheet metal and a stack of pizza boxes. "Esther just wanted to make sure that the PG barrier is securely in place. Originally, she wanted to put a restraining order on Harkness regarding Maria, Clyde, Rani, and Luke, but she settled for the family-friendly banner. "

"Double- and triple-checked. Tried sending some high-rated T fics through the door—bounced them right back out. As long as it doesn't keep the team out entirely—"

"Most of them are dead. Permanently, buried six-feet-under, starting-to-stink dead." Grace shook her head. "And some of the fans still find them attractive. Pardon me while I request extra shipments of Bleeprin from the PPC. "

Roheryn nodded. "Esther downed half a bottle while reading the summery of 'Children of Earth.' Didn't get up for two days afterwards, and that was only because Galadrile nearly burnt the sheets"

"Well, I better make sure all the paperwork is in order. But first, could you point your sonic over there?"

Accustomed to peculiar requests, Roheryn didn't blink.

A loud, alarm-clock noise blasted through a set of speakers. Grace winced, but managed a smile. "I was just about to go through the registration forms, but it works best when you're in a bad mood. That way, for example, if someone says 'Time Lord,' I'll make them old and on the last regeneration instead of young with a full set."

Roheryn nodded and turned back to her tinkering.

* * *

><p>T-Minus 1 Hour<p>

The girl stared at the countdown running on the side of her browser. Less than an hour until the premiere of _The Impossible Astronaut. _Just enough time to finish her Rose/Doctor fic "Eternal Rose." All that was left was writing a summery. _d dr learns dat };- isa tym Lord. R&R. _

"Hello. Is this Dr+Rose4vrr?" The speaker wore a fine black suit and dark shades which were less than typical for a cloudy evening in the local coffee shop, but the girl didn't notice.

"Yes. Who are you?"

"Call me Mr. Black. Did you just upload fic #579801011 to fanfiction net, a piece called 'Eternal Rose?'"

"Yes. Didya read it? Didya like it?"

"Yes, I read it. Your work has come to the attention of the OWoF, a unique new institution intended specifically for individuals like yourself. Just fill out this form and I will escort you there."

She took the form Mr. Black offered and began to fill it out.

_Name: Dr+Rose4vrr_

_Nickname: Drose4_

_Species: Time Lord!_

_Your Doctor: 10_

_Preferred Person to Glomp: 10_

But some of the questions were strange. What was a Mary Sue or mini-Reaper? At least she could say she'd given the Doctor half-human offspring, written herself as a companion, and written about another Time Lord who wasn't the Master.

_cn u read dis sentenC? DY wrt lk dis?_

What kind of question was it? _Yes i do it maks perfect senZ 2 me. _Drose 4 took the sheet and handed it to Mr. Black. The man took her arm—what a gentleman!—and pressed something underneath his long jacket. Colors began to swirl around them, and suddenly the café disappeared.

"What? Help me!" Drose4 began screaming, but no one seemed to hear her.


	2. Twelve Point Five Floors

Apologies for the delay in posting this chapter. I was on vacation.

* * *

><p>After a horrible moment of confusion, breathlessness, and utter indignation, Drose found herself tumbling onto a lumpy surface. "Man, what was that about? Mr. Black?"<p>

"Offf," the floor moaned. "Geroff me…"

Drose pushed herself up. "What are you doing on the floor anyway?"

"You fell on me," A girl in an "American Eagle" t-shirt and jeans stood up, hands on hips. "I guess your ride wasn't looking where he was going. And what's your name, anyway?"

"Dr+Rose4vrr, but you can call me Drose."

"Zoe Alice Latimer, but you can call me Zoe," Zoe pushed a lock of brown hair away from her face. "Where do you think we are?"

Drose looked around. They were in a room at least twice the size of a football room with light blue walls of frosted glass and a black marble floor. "Reminds of the sci-fi convention I dragged my boyfriend (well, _ex_-boyfriend) to once—except the costumes are much better made. Why, that Dalek in the corner actually looked like it could exterminate you! "

"And that Sontaran in the corner really looks impressive doesn't it?" Another girl nodded. "Zoe and I think we hit our heads and fell unconscious and are really dreaming all this."

"That's _Sara's_ theory," Zoe rolled her eyes. "But if we were dreaming, then we wouldn't think of it, would we?"

"My friend Bailey—" Sara began, but a low humming noise cut through the conversation. A noise that made every human, Dalek, Cyberman, Sontaran, and other costumed person in the room turn around and stare.

It was the most wonderful sound in the universe. Or, more precisely, the Whoniverse. It was the sound of a Type 40 TARDIS with the brakes left on.

Every eye or equivalent feature stared as a blue box appeared—on the ceiling? The door swung open as a brunette woman poked her head out. "Ladies and gentlemen—actually, it should be boys and girls, or maybe girls, girls and boys considering the ratio—anyway, welcome to—"

"You're upside down!" Drose yelled.

"Dear me, I thought you were. TARDIS gravity, remember? Anyway, I wouldn't be if someone had left the floor space open. But enough of that. Welcome to the Whoniversity of Fanfiction. I am Miss Grace, head of the university, along with Miss Esther, head of Bannerman Academy, and Miss Roheryn, director of Torchwood Five. During the next semester, you will be taught the basic history of the Whoniverse, as well as basic writing techniques and methods. Second semester will cover alternate timelines, crossovers, parallel dimensions, future regenerations, and anything I haven't mentioned yet but will think of later."

Sara was becoming slightly dizzy from continuing to stare at Miss Grace's upside-down antics.

"For now, each of you will be guided to your rooms and given further information. I'll see you back here in three hours, and I hope to find sufficient space for the TARDIS to land."

In a surprisingly short amount of time, the room was empty. Drose was escorted out by Mr. Black, while Sara and Zoe followed a blue-headed alien with three tendril-things, about three feet high, down a very twisting corridor with several flights of stairs. "How many…floors…is this place?" Zoe panted.

"Twelve point five."

"What? And what are you, anyway?" Zoe added.

"Groske. We help with school."

"No, I think she meant why are there twelve point five floors?"

"Built that way," he replied. "Grace's orders. Come."

"But what I don't understand—" Zoe turned, following the Groske upstairs. "Is—why—point five,"

"Save breath. Rooms steal it."

Sara rolled her eyes. "Sounds bad."

On the fifth flight of stairs, Sara and Zoe met another pair of girls—this one led by a pig-head man in a 1930s suit.

"I think Rani is a substitute for Maria, but she's definitely more like Sarah Jane."

"Just as long as you don't start shipping them."

"Ew!" The first girl scrunched up her face. "Who do you think I am, Harkness?"

"I'm off to 42. Where are you going?" Pig-head asked the Groske.

"Same," he replied. A strange noises—a cross between the TARDIS's materialization noise and a pager tone, issued from the Groske's belt. He looked down at it. "PG filter broken. Must fix. You take Zoe and Sara?" He quickly handed something from his pocket to the pig-man before running off.

Pig-man nodded. "Come along."

"I'm Sara, and this is Zoe. Who are you?" Sara offered.

"I'm Evelyn, sometimes Star,"

"And I'm Ashley. Who's your favorite Doctor?"

"Ten," Zoe answered.

"Me too." Ashley high-fived Zoe. "I keep telling Evelyn that Eleven is just too crazy, but she won't listen."

"Eleven is cool," she protested, turning to Sara. "What about you?"

"Classic or Revived? Five for Classic, Ten for New. And Ten is a fan of Five, so—"

"Classic fan," Zoe did a double take. "You never told me!"

"We met five minutes ago," Sara muttered.

"Come on," the pig man told them. After another flight of stairs, he stopped outside a plan wood door with the numbers "42" above the door. He reached into a pocket and pulled out four key on strings. "Try not to faint."

Zoe took her key and inserted it in the lock, quickly pulling the lever so that the door swung out towards them. "I wonder they keep in here."

"Besides us? Absolutely everything," Ashley quipped.

And she wasn't far wrong.

"It's the TARDIS!" Sara gasped.

"It's plain white," Evelyn replied.

"More like the First Doctor's control room, I suppose. The coral is a recent development, after all…" Sara walked up to the hexagonal table in the middle. "See, that's the motor. And all the buttons and dials and stuff…I have seen _Unearthly Child,_ after all."

"Never mind that, let's take a trip!"

"Um….it's not a TARDIS." The man walked up to the counsel and hit a button. "Watch,"

Another person appeared in the room, a stringbean girl with hair like River, brainy specs like Ten, and a giant Fourth-Doctor scarf. "Hello, I am Miss Esther, head of Bannerman Academy, and this—" she gestured around the room. "Is a reTARDIS. Restricted Time and Relative Dimensions In Space. It has the transcendental properties of a TARDIS but without the connection to the Time Vortex. Instead, it is powered by HONF and solar energy, and can run only simulated missions. But it still has appropriate rooms, a changeable desktop theme, a swimming pool, etc. To receive your class schedules, speak your name as written on your form into this—" Esther pointed to a speaker hidden underneath the console. "And it will be printed for you. Items needed for class will be listed on the bottom of your form; all will be available somewhere in the TARDIS. For now, choose bedrooms and print out lists before returning to the main hall. Each reTARDIS should have six students, unless otherwise noted."

"Six?" Zoe looked around.

"Oh and one more thing, because I'm sure everyone's going to ask. Why 12.5 floors? Well, one is for staff, but think about the rest." The image flicked and died.

"Six?" Zoe repeated. "Well, I suppose we can fit six people in here, but where are the other two?"

"I'm going to find a bedroom," Ashley said. "I hope this 'reTARDIS' has a decent wardrobe.

"I'll come with you," Evelyn agreed. "Maybe it has a squash court. I always thought squash was a veggie, but you never know…"

Just as Evelyn and Ashley disappeared down a hallway, another Groske came in, followed by a brunette with waist-length hair. "This your room." He pointed to Zoe and Sara. "Theirs too. Six girls. They explain."

"Am I late? The other girl in my group took a wrong turn looking for the restroom—"I'm Nichelle, or Icey if you prefer."

"Are you Scottish? You sound like Amelia Pond."

"I am not Scottish. I'm from New Zealand."

"You still sound Scottish." Sara pointed out.

"I don't. I know someone from Scotland."

"Well, I don't hear many accents where I come from," Zoe crossed her arms. "But anyway, I didn't know there were Kiwi Whovians."

"We have to wait longer for everything—except if it was made here. Now, what did I miss?"

A scream echoed down the hall.


	3. The Staff Lies

"What's wrong?" Sara's words echoed through the empty control room.

"Maybe it's a Dalek."

"A Dalek in the TARDIS?" Zoe scoffed. "Ghengis Khan couldn't get through those doors"

"Let's try to find her. Besides, I need an excuse to explore," Icey added. "Come on."

"Sounds good. They went down that hallway." The three girls turned down the indicated corridor. "It looks like the control room, but triangular-ish. Of course, I never saw much of the interior before..."

"Cool, though." Sara tilted her head. "I think I hear something. Is anyone there?"

"Hey, guys, come on it!" Ashley's voice drifted down the hall. "The water is great!"

"You found the pool?" Icey punched the air. "If only I had my mermaid tail. I can actually swim with it." She rounded a corner into a huge room, at least three stories tall with a ceiling of rippled glass, with an Olympic-sized pool in the middle. Adirondack chairs were scattered around the edge, with a stack of towels in the near corner.

Ashley paddled to the side of the pool, her jean shorts and t-shorts soaking wet. "Nice, isn't it? Who's this?"

"Nichelle, but you can call me Icey. Another girl was with me, but I didn't catch her name. She got lost."

"Where's Evelyn?" Sara asked.

Ashley pulled herself out and walked over to the stack of towels. "Next room over. She found a squash court and is trying to figure out exactly how to play the game."

"Then how does she know it's a squash court?"

"Not sure. But we should see about getting back to the main room. Evelyn," she yelled,"we have a new roomie." Ashley turned to Icey. "Have you seen Sarah Jane Adventures?"

"No, but my friends keep bugging me about it."

A door swung open on the opposite side of the room. "Maybe we should see about getting walkie-talkies or something." Evelyn looked at the pool for a moment, grinned, and took a running leap into the water. "Cannonball!"

"I was just drying off," Ashley protested.

Evelyn paddled over, climbed up a ladder, and extended a dripping hand to Icey. "Hello, I'm Evelyn. Or Star, if you prefer."

"Nichelle, but I like Icey better."

"You sound Scottish." She walked over to the stack of towels. "Good to see you left me some, Ashley."

"Oh, come on, there's plenty here."

Icey rolled her eyes. "I'm from New Zealand. If I was Scottish, I wouldn't have to wait ANOTHER month for The Impossible Astronaut. Or the Belated Astronaut, in my case."

"Not like I can afford BBC America, or even an iTunes season pass. The woes of penniless American Whovians," Sara commiserated, glancing down at her watch. "We need to hurry back to the main room. It's been an hour and a half already."

"How is that possible?"

"Wibbly-wobbly, timey-whimey."

"Are watches going to be any good here?"

Evelyn dropped a towel on the floor. "That's anyone's guess. But we should leave some wiggle room in case we get lost."

"In the reTARDIS or the halls?"

"Both."

* * *

><p>"Is everything ready?"<p>

"Settings calibrated, adjusted, checked, and re-checked." Roheryn reported.

"The transmit circuit are still enabled for the main room. I also made sure the time coordinates are limited to sectors DW-NWS02E11 and DW-NWS02E12. "

"What about DW-NW05E03?" Grace asked.

"I set Eleven to watch it for the time being," Esther re-checked a reading on her sonic pen. "And the TARDIS keys are ready, so we can watch the fun unobserved."

"Good." Roheryn rubbed her hands together. "Let the fun begin."

* * *

><p>"Is this the right staircase?"<p>

"We climbed at least three sets. I think we need to keep going down."

"Just listen for a TARDIS. Grace said—"

Icey shook her head. "Any noise of materialization will be drowned out by the roar of a thousand screaming fangirls."

"Good point. But if it's not there yet—"

"They should give us a map."

"That still wouldn't help me—I'm always getting lost. But let's try this door," Ashley's fingers closed around a handle. "One, two, three—" Her eyes bulged like a water balloon before quickly squeezing shut.

"Hey, could you move out of the way?" Evelyn, who was right behind Ashley, pushed the door all the way open.

Zoe's stomach leapt to the back of her spine in protest at the message it was receiving from her eyes.

"Don't think I'll ever want to eat again." Zoe moaned.

"Sontaran clones, emerging from their bath!" Sara slammed the door, bruising her knuckles in the process. "Lesson One: NEVER open an unmarked door."

"How about ...someone else lead?" Ashley bent over, blinking rapidly.

"I'm not that good at leading, I tend to get lost." Icey shrugged.

"But don't you see?" Sara exclaimed. "We are lost already! So if we get lost while we're lost, we'll be unlost. Two negatives make a positive in math, so being lost while lost would mean we're not lost."

"Only in multiplication," Zoe muttered.

"Try saying that when we're in London instead of Los Angles." Ashley added. "Although, considering that this is the Whoniverse, London is far more likely. Why does Britain get all the alien invasions? "

"You want to be dissolved into fat globs or blasted by Dalek rays?" Evelyn retorted. "And Moffat knows what is planned with those 'Silents' in The Impossible Astronauts."

"Something creepy. He says something worse than the Weeping Angels and Shadows that Melt the Flesh," Zoe shrugged. "As if that's possible."

"They always make you say that—and then go beyond the impossible. Didn't you notice that before?"

"Well, now that you mention it-"

"Do you hear something?"

"Be more specific."

"Something loud than the five of us discussing London, Silents, and the creepiness of Moffat." Sara glanced up. "I think we found what we were looking for."

The others followed her gaze. What they saw wasn't an asteroid full of Sycorax or a fleet of Dalek warships—no, it was something far more terrifying.

A huge room, with thousands of fangirls staring at empty space in the middle. Silent fangirls. Motionless fangirls. But each one sat on the edge of her seat, ready to transform into Olympus sprinters the moment the first v_worp _reached her ears.

Evelyn inhaled slowly. "I guess we did find it."

"Do you see any empty seats?"

Zoe scanned the room of sardine-stuffed girls. "I see a little space in the far corner, by that blue pillar. "

"Can we even squeeze through this crowd?"

"Hey, move!" Someone interrupted. "This crowd is messing up my clothes."

"Oh, brother," Icey muttered.

"Zoe?" It was Drose. "Fancy meeting you here."

"Yeah, small world. And who's your friend?"

"Oh, this is Jill Harkness," Drose announced.

Evelyn and Ashley narrowed their eyes.

"Sister of Harkness, of course. I can't believe my brothers never mentioned me—well, being lost in the Rift for years didn't help anything, but still—"

"Did you say move? We were just going, really," Sara shouldered her way forward. "Come on, Zoe."

As the crowd closed behind them, Icey looked back at Drose and Jill. "I assume she is not your friend."

"No. Most definitely not. " Zoe crossed her arms. "She fell on me and didn't even apologize."

"And a Sue-sister of Harkness with the lamest possible name. Whatcha want to bet that her stories are all M-rated shipping without any sanity, morality, or….plot-ity?" Evelyn scoffed.

"If I was a gambler, I'd take you up on that. It's even more certain than alien invading Britain on Christmas…especially since the last one didn't happen in Britain."

"Well, at least in 'Voyage of the Damned,' most of them did leave London."

"I wonder if they actually said to themselves _I'm leaving London because a flying saucer might appear and kill people_ or if they came up with another excuse." Icey deadpanned. "'There's a really good rate on luxury rooms in Bristol this time of year, and London is always so crowded.'"

"With aliens," Zoe chuckled. "Aliens and Autons and attacks, oh my."

Evelyn grinned. "Well, I would-" Her words stopped, as if sliced by a knife.

"Would what?"

Evelyn raised a shaky finger, pointing slightly to her left. "The…the…"

"Daleks!" Someone screamed.

Less than four yards away, Sara saw the domed helmets, silver whisks, and dark plungers of four post-Time War Daleks. "Maybe if we back away…really slowly…"

But the shout had been taken up, echoing from every corner like the roar of an angry sea, with sobs and screams adding to the hubbub. Those who saw the Daleks were trying—with very little success—to get away, while some foolhardy folk actually tried to edge closer to the Doctor's oldest enemy. assuming that he would show up soon to rescue them. Where the two met soon formed a whirling, pushing, shoving eddy.

Then the first ray was fired. An auburn-haired girl slumped to the floor, disappearing behind the running crowd. If the previous chaos had been a storm, this was a level-five hurricane dumped in the middle of a place roughly the size of Super-WalMart.

"We have to get out of here!"

"How?"

"Teleport?"

"Got a vortex manipulator?"

"Just a moment, I got something to say." Icey cupped her hands around her mouth. "Hey, you said the TARDIS would be returning…not Daleks!"

"**No, we didn't."** A voice boomed. "**And even if we did, you have just learned Rule One of the Official Whoniversity of Fanfiction: The staff lies!"**

As if to punctate the announcement, a Dalek ray zapped Icey's shoulder.


	4. To Be Continued

_WARNING: The last section contains spoilers for The Impossible Astronaut. The parts in bold and italic relate sections of the episode, but the regular text contains reactions to it._

* * *

><p>Remaining standing, let alone escaping the chaos, was impossible. Or almost completely impossible. Luckily, Whovians tend to expect the impossible, since the Doctor pulls off 'almost completely impossible' as easily as brushing his teeth.<p>

Evelyn and Ashley linked elbows, letting themselves get washed along until they found Sara hiding behind some people in really elaborate Cyberman costumes who seemed intent on re-enacting the Doomsday showdown. "You will be deleted."

"Da-leks do not take or-ders!" An eyestalk swiveled towards the Cyberman.

"You will be upgraded. Resistance is futile."

"Sara! Over here!" Ashley shouted.

"I can't move!"

"We'll come to you. Just stay where you are."

"That's kind of the whole problem," Sara gasped.

With some elbows to guts and 'accidentally' stepping on a few feet, the girls edged behind the Cybermen and grabbed Sara's shoulder. "Come on, let's get out of here."

"But Zoe and Icey—"

"Zoe's over there, by the Sontaran commander. And I think I saw Icey a moment ago—hold on, did that Sontaran just fire his gun? Where'd he get the weapon?"

"The staff wouldn't have handed out weapons. Which means—that's a real Sontaran, somehow. And those Cybermen—" Evelyn stared at them. "Those are real Cybermen. Sweet sonic screwdriver, real Cybermen."

"We don't have time to puzzle over it now. Zoe! Zoe!" Sara yelled.

Zoe huddled behind the Sontaran, hoping he would focus on the Daleks and not the female half-form (well, three-quarters form, she supposed) with access to his probic vent. "Sara? Ashley? Icey?"

"Zoe? Can you move towards us?" Sara waved her free hand, barely missing another blast from the Daleks.

"I'll try," She edged into the medley. The swirling eddies had washed downstream, leaving stagnant crowds. As the others plowed forward, she shoved her way towards them.

"Gotcha!" Sara exclaimed. "Now, where's Icey? Icey!"

"Ice!"

"Nichelle!"

"Silence! All humans will surrender," The head Dalek announced. "Resistance is futile. We will destroy the males, the females, the descendants."

"What males?" Evelyn muttered. "Icey!"

"I don't know where she is—you don't think the Daleks got her, do you?"

"They can't be holding her hostage—it's too chaotic for that," Sara stumbled and nearly fell. "We might be better off going back to our room."

"She could be trampled," Zoe protested.

"And so could we. That wouldn't help anyone."

"We can come back later," Sara added. "Besides, don't we have classes tomorrow?"

Another shot bounced off the wall behind them. "Discretion is the better part of valor, especially if you only have one life," Ashley decided.

* * *

><p>Two hours, forty-nine minutes, thirty-five seconds later….<p>

Grace yanked the TARDIS key off her neck. "Oh, that was so precious. Just to see them so stunned—bait and switch has never worked so well."

"The dimension cannon worked perfectly," Roheryn pulled a meter from the pocket of her long, sweeping trenchcoat. "And the fuel tanks are brim-full. Why do we need the solar power?"

"If we ran on pure HONF, the students would be gibbering idiots."

Esther adjusted her scarf. "Some of them already are. I think you missed an adjective, though. They'd be _terrified_, gibbering idiots."

"Yes, Professor," Rohreyn glanced at a limp form on the floor. "You sure they'll wake up?"

"The cannon drained the Daleks' power till the rays were at incapacitating levels. Since we don't see heaps of people-dust, I'd say it worked. Twenty-some people. We should make sure they wake up before we leave."

"Got to get ready for the Impossible Astronaut! I want something River Song-ish to wear. At least my hair's ready." Esther bounced forward, using her sonic pen to scan a girl with long brown hair. "This one should be fine."

"As long as the Sontaran didn't hit her by mistake. Why didn't we think to disable weapons when they registered?" Grace rolled her eyes.

"Because that would be no fun." Roheryn checked out another girl. "A bit concussed, but the baseline data indicates there's no recognizable difference."

The brunette sat up, rubbing her shoulder. "If I was dead, this wouldn't hurt. So I'm not dead."

"Brilliant deduction. Do you know where you are?"

"Whoniversity. I was shot by a Dalek…and survived!" She punched the air. "Bragging rights for Icey!"

"There'll be more than that to brag about," Grace said softly.

"Can you help me find my room? I'm sure my roommates are worried about me, and well, we got lost trying to come down here."

Grace, Esther and Roheryn exchanged glances.

_Should we? She was just injuried…_

_And it's only the first day._

Roheryn pulled out a playing-card sized device. "Just tell it your reTARDIS number and it will tell you when to turn. It'll be useless afterwards, though.

"Thanks." She waved and headed towards the door.

Another girl began to stir. "Oh, that hurt. That really hurt. I think I need a Doctor."

"Well, we'll have to do." Grace said. "You're not dead, and the primary staff doesn't arrive until tomorrow."

"I think I need something to drink. Is there a cafeteria around?"

"Down the hall, second door on the left, but the Oods we were planning to employ…well, we forget to specify non-lobotomized individuals,"—Esther winced—" so it's currently unstaffed. The reTARDISes have kitchens."

"I can't cook."

Esther leaned over and whispered to Roheryn. "Can't we leave this job for the pig-men? 'The Impossible Astronaut' airs in thirty-five minutes, fifteen point two seconds home world time and I haven't even started the fish fingers yet."

"Keep the fish fingers for yourself," Roheryn replied. "But yeah, I think they'll be fine."

* * *

><p>Evelyn ran her fingers along the rows of books. "I already have Elvaro's <em>The Ultimate Doctor Who Survival Guide<em> for my catch-up class 'Runs a Lot,' _UNIT: Fighting for Humankind_ for "Splendid Fellows," but I still need _Sleep, School, Save the World_ for my Bannerman Academy class under Sarah Jane and company."

"_Sleep, School, Save the World_?" Sara repeated from the other side of the room. "I found several copies over here. But I still need _The Decent_—wait, someone crossed that word out. It says _The Foolish, Aloof, and Immature Laws and Legends of Gallifrey_. That can't really be correct!"

"But the subtitle of _Sleep, School, Save the World _is _Not necessarily in that order or ratio._"

Ashley smirked. "I think it's probably correct. Well, I have everything I need. I even have Lungbarrow for causal reading."

"You think we'll have time for causal reading?" Zoe slid out _Someone to Stop Him: Companions of the Doctor _and the accompanying volume _Hand Him the Sonic and Say He's Brilliant: Assistants of the Doctor._

"Not now, I'm starving. Besides, if we're running on normal time—and yes, that's a big 'if'— 'The Impossible Astronaut should be on in ten minutes. Sara, you're a Classic Who fan—can you find the TV equivalent in the control room?"

"I think so." Sara skimmed the shelves, found _The Foolish, Aloof, and Immature Laws and Legends of Gallifrey, _and staggered out of the library. Ashley, Zoe, and Evelyn followed her into the control room just as someone knocked on the door

"Hostile human, enemy alien, or unlikely ally?" Evelyn called.

"Roommate—and very tired. Now let me in. I survived Daleks, so I'm very cross."

"Icey!" Zoe yanked the door open.

"In the flesh." She nearly topped into the room. "Did I miss 'The Impossible Astronaut?'"

"Sara's trying to set up the TV. Are you really okay?" Zoe hugged Icey tightly.

"I need a distraction. How's it coming, Sara?"

Sara looked up from the dials and buttons. "It's worse than being attacked by statues in a crashed spaceship—no manual, no sonic, no bow ties."

"Right," Icey sank to the floor.

Static burst from the loudspeakers. The girls winced and covered their ears.

"I think I have it, I just have to…aha!" Sara turned another dial, and a previously blank wall dissolved into animated color.

"Congratulations. You turned on the monitor." Grace's oversized face appeared. Since you are planning to watch 'The Impossible Astronaut,' it is my duty to inform you that it is not happening."

"What!"

The recording played on, headless of the glaring faces. "We brought you here to learn how to write good fanfic. If you think we will give you more fuel before any education, you have less brainpower than a newborn Andipose has weapons. Now, if you'll excuse me, 'The Impossible Astronaut' is just opening in the staff TARDIS. And yes, we are watching it. And no, we will not give you spoilers. And no, the main characters will not give you spoilers because it will not be a topic of class until after six-a has finished airing."

* * *

><p>Grace flicked off the projector and sank into a beanbag chair tie-dyed with the colors of the Time Vortex. "Oh, are those Jelly Babies?"<p>

Roheryn nodded. "We have fish fingers with custard, non-alcoholic sonic screwdriver beverages, Dalek cupcakes, Jelly Babies, fish and chips, hot K9s, gingerbread Doctors and more traditional snacks, like popcorn, chocolate, other sweets, and dried fruit if you'll insist on being healthy."

Esther swiped a fish finger in the custard. "I've been waiting to try this."

The full-wall screen filled with a black background and the words _In memoriam of Elisabeth Sladen. 1968-2011.  
><em>"Is something wrong, Mis-tress?" A metal dog with a blue bow tie rolled forward.

"K5, go check the settings on the dimensional cannons for class tomorrow," Esther said, more gruffly than usual. The dog was a house—er, TARDIS—warming gift from Sarah Jane and Luke.

"I already checked them."

"Then do it again." Esther rubbed her eyes.

"Affirmative, Mistress."

"Are you really okay?" Grace asked as the black faded to the boots of Frenchmen.

"Shh," Roheryn grinned. "This is going to be good."

**"You know, this isn't as bad as it looks." **

"If it wasn't for his reaction to Amy, I wouldn't believe him," Grace bit into a hot dog—er, K9.

* * *

><p>"Not him, not him, please not him…" Esther leaned forward. "I thought Amy, but please…not him!"<p>

"**Stay back, Amy." **_River and Rory struggle to hold her._

_The Doctor stares at the golden light spilling from his hands_. **"I'm sorry,"**

_Another shot rings out. This time, all three run forward, dropping to their knees by his side. "_**River! River!"**_ Amy screams again, trying to make sense of it all._

_…_**"If we're going to do this, let's do it properly,"**

"I never would have believed it." Roheryn whispered. "I heard that one of the four was going to die for real in the first ten minutes, but not him. I never would have guessed him."

Esther wiped her nose on her sleeve. "I suppose….I guess…."

**Thirty-three minutes, forty seconds later….**

"To be continued?" Roheryn threw a handful of popcorn at the screen. "I know they were going to do this, but—just as Amy fires a gun?"

"How many questions can be stuffed into forty-three minutes without making the universe explode?" Esther agreed, stuffing another cupcake into her mouth. "I know Moffat doesn't write the story, but he does divide it up. And what a cliff-hanger!"

"And she _is_ pregnant! I'd read it online, but I refused to believe it. They better use it well and not descend into soap opera territory." Grace declared. "You know what the three most annoying words in the universe are?"

"No TARDIS here?" Roheryn offered.

"Doctor Who's stupid?" Esther scowled. "My brother says that all the time."

"To be continued."

* * *

><p>Further Disclaimer<p>

As previously stated "The Ultimate Doctor Who Survival Guide" is an actual, hilarious fanfic by Elvaro. UNIT: Fighting for Humankind is mentioned in Whatever Happened to Sarah Jane? and is supposed written by Sarah Jane

_Sleep, School, Save the World; Someone to Stop Him: Companions of the Doctor; Hand Him the Sonic and Say He's Brilliant: Assistants of the Doctor; _and_ The Foolish, Aloof and Immature Laws and Legends of Gallifrey _are my own inventions, but the latter is a spoof of The Ancient and Worshipful Laws of Gallifrey from the unaired Fourth Doctor story 'Shada'

Lungbarrow by Marc Platt is a Seventh Doctor novel from Virgin Books' New Adventures.


	5. A Rousing Success

"Welcome to Protecting the Planet, an introduction to other alien-fighting organizations in the Whoniverse. " Roheryn pointed her sonic at the older gentleman in a military uniform. "First of all, please welcome Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart, representing the golden age of UNIT. Formerly the United Nations Intelligence Taskforce, UNIT is now an independent organization named the Unified Intelligence Taskforce. "

"Thank you, Miss Argo. If you have only seen our troops in recent episodes, you have missed the days when the Doctor himself was our Scientific Advisor, a position also held by his associate Miss Shaw and, more recently, Malcolm Taylor."

Most of the class barely twitched, but Sara whispered to Icey, "They had some cool characters. Harry Sullivan, for example, even if he was called an imbecille."

"And from the spin-off series, Captain Jack Harkness."

Three girls immediately ran forward screaming, only to be thrown back by invisible hands.

"And that would be our PG barrier." Roheryn continued. "It will repel any student who attempts to harass the Captain romantically. Harkness is currently Head of Torchwood 3, but has also worked with them in the past century. He will be running Torchwood 5, our branch for Torchwood writers."

"Captain Jack is my hero!" Someone yelled. Another girl blew kisses in his direction.

Evelyn and Ashley scooted backwards. "Bet you he'll say 'Hello' and someone will tell him to stop." Evelyn muttered.

"Wouldn't mind if they did." Ashley replied.

"And we also have Sarah Jane Smith, associate of the Third and Fourth Doctors. As head of Bannerman Academy, she will be instructing classes on the Sarah Jane Adventures as well as her work with classic serials."

"First class with her in an hour." Zoe grinned.

"Now, I have asked each of these individuals to explain how their approach to aliens differs from the Doctor's methods and those of the others. Brigadier, you have the floor."

"Thank you. In my day, UNIT was the organization in charge of neutralizing alien threats to the population. We tended to rely on weaponry, which was not always successful, and intended to keep the existence of extraterrestrial life secret. More recently, we function more like a traditional military. Unlike the Doctor, we do not have the ability to meet aliens in their home environment and tend to favor a military approach. Unlike Miss Smith—whom I have had the pleasure of meeting—" The Brig smiled in her direction. "We use weapons and have a high number of staff. And unlike Torchwood, we answer to the Prime Minister."

"Thank you. Now, Miss Smith—er, Sarah Jane," Roheryn corrected herself.

"I have the smallest team of the three groups represented her, but I wouldn't trade them for anything. My son Luke, his friends, and I fight aliens, mostly in Ealing, using my sonic lipstick, my dog K9, and my Xylock computer Mr. Smith. I like to think we do the same thing the Doctor would do—perhaps with less technobabble. Unlike UNIT and Torchwood, we do not use weapons as a primary means of communication."

"Pacifist," someone muttered.

"And to finish up, we have Captain Jack. To make things simpler, his statements refer to the current Torchwood 3 under his command, not past teams or Torchwood 1."

"Our motto is 'If it's alien, it's ours,' and that's that. We have the weapons, we don't answer to anyone. With our smaller team we have a loose chain of command and try to be open-minded about aliens. As long as they're not trying to kill us."

"Open minded? Try loose-lipped, naked, dancing with any partner that will take you!"

"Oh, lighten up. It's the 21st century."

"Just because people do it doesn't mean we approve!"

"Oh, you just can't handle the big boys and their weapons."

"I'd rather work with Sarah than Jack!"

"No wonder the TARDIS hated him."

"UNIT is a bunch of red-shirts."

"Bloody Torchwood."

"Outdated, irrelevant woman."

Jack looked amused by the argument, while the Brig wore an 'I-can't-believe-what-I'm-hearing.' Roheryn turned to Sarah Jane. "Maybe having the Bannerman students and the Torchwood trainees in the same classroom was a bad idea."

"Just maybe," she agreed.

Roheryn pulled out her communicator. "Grace, we have a problem. "

"What's the matter?"

"The Torchwood fans and the Sarah Jane viewers are attacking each other. "

"Well, I suggest—" A crashing sound interrupted Grace's words. "I'm a little busy now."

"Looks like we'll have to wait it out." Roheryn sighed. "Anybody have some butter for this corn?"

* * *

><p>By the time the fight had died down, everyone was going to be late to their next class. Icey adjusted her backpack and wandered down the hall. She wished one of her roommates was with her, but they had a Bannerman Academy class—Another Approach to Aliens—during "Characterization Basics." And even when she finally found room 10S0401, she had a difficult time following the ginger-haired lecturer.<p>

"Right then, you scruffy, hormone-bleeding lot. This is Characterization Basics, and from what Grace told me, we will be starting at square one. I volunteered to take first shift after seeing some _examples_ of what brains like yours come up with. "Donna stuck her hands on her hips. "What part of 'I'm not mating with you, sunshine!' was hard to understand?"

"Are you telling me you aren't a couple?" A Vinvocci girl demanded.

"Of course not, he's forever in love with Rose. Your spines are sharper than your mind, cacti." Drose leaned forward.

The girl sprang to her feet. "And you support that wining brat?"

Another girl in a fur-trimmed white dress chimed in. "Of course he's not with Rose—Romana totally pwns her."

"Leela rocks!"

"River Song rules."

"When did this turn into Matchmakers of Gallifrey?" Donna yelled. "We were discussing defamation of character—and I could charge you in court several times over."

"Oh, shut up. You just boss the Doctor around anyway."

"Are you kidding? She's just playing hard to get."

Icey tried to slink towards the door. Halfway there, she was cornered by Jill Harkness. "Where exactly are you going?"

"Out of here."

"I can't hear you!" Jill shouted.

"OUT!"

"Dude, you sound Scottish!" Jill's eyes began to gleam, like a cat when it sees a bird with an injured wing.

"Nice to see you. I really need to get out of here-spoilers, you know—" Icey squeezed between two other girls and ran out the door. I think I'm getting a headache. And it's only the first day….

* * *

><p>After five wrong turns, two dead-ends, and backtracking three times, Zoe, Sara, Evelyn, and Ashley found an outside window. Through it, they could see a regular house under a perfect ally normal sky. The only reminder that they weren't back on Earth was the large sign reading "Bannerman Academy—Enter through the front door."<p>

The classroom was set up as an oversized living room, complete with couches and photographs over the fireplace. Twenty-two students slowly found their seats, not ready to relax just yet. Zoe and Sara slid onto a couch, moving over to make room for Ashley and Evelyn.

"I hope she won't make us stare at the books. I don't know if I could get mine out," Zoe complained.

"Who cares? She's Sarah Jane Smith. I'd peel gum off tables for the chance to be in this class!"

"Shh. Someone might hear you."

"At least here everything won't try to kill us."

"Right. No Daleks here." Sara agreed. "But some of the monsters are still pretty creepy. Like that Erasmus Darking dude in the Eternity Trap."

"I haven't seen that one yet," Zoe protested. "As soon as this class gets out, I'm going to find some copies of seasons two through four and lock myself up."

"I suppose you _could_ watch it for eighteen straight hours. But I would think—"

The door swung open. K9 Mark IV entered first, rotating his sensors for a moment. "All clear, Mistress. Occupants do not present a threat."

"I'll be the judge of that," Sarah Jane followed him inside, glancing at the students. "Let me straighten something out right away. I am not a ghost or a hologram or some undead bogeyman. I'm human and alive."

Whether intentionally or not, Zoe said audibly what everyone was thinking. "But Lis Sladen—"

"Yes, Esther and Grace explained it to me. But has no one explained parallel worlds to you? I realize it's only the first day of classes, but even so, let me make this clear. There is not a one-to-one personal correlation except in rare cases, much less a fatal one. Even if my series ends, I will still be having adventures, just as I had adventures between leaving the Fourth Doctor and meeting the Tenth. Have any of you heard of 'K9 and Company?'"

One girl waved her hand like a windmill.

"The point is, even the best documentaries can't cover every adventure a person has. And since you all seem so determined to write fanfics, we will teach you to write good ones. Now, who can tell me the main difference between this branch of the University and Torchwood 5? "

"No Captain Jack?"

"No sex?"

"No cool headquarters full of alien gizmos?" That speaker received a nudge in the ribs.

"Haven't you seen the attic?" Evelyn asked.

"Less running?"

"Less slashfic?"

"You talk to the aliens before shooting them."

"Excellent. UNIT and Torchwood tend to go in guns blazing. While there is a time and a place for that, it's not the first plan of action. It's not even the best plan of action. No pistols. No grenades. "

"Maybe a super-soaker filled with vinegar?" Evelyn inquired.

* * *

><p>"Well, only one shipping war, three concussions, one broken bone, one class in need of rescheduling, two rivalries created, and twelve students lost. " Grace set the list down. "I'd say the first day of classes was a rousing success."<p>

Esther rubbed her forehead. "I think I'm going to bed early. But you did a good job on that PG field too, Roheryn. I didn't know it could do that."

"Well, it occurred to me that 'PG' could also mean 'Personal Glomping,' so I thought I'd work it into the barrier for all Torchwood members, since their stories tend to default to higher settings. Might need to find an equivalent for Ten as well, but that can wait." Roheryn sighed. "I know Sarah Jane Adventures and Torchwood appeal to different audiences, but that was almost a shipping war."

"Did I mention Jack is my least favorite companion ever?" Esther replied. "That class needs to be reserved for those with no spinoff experience. Make the UNIT section into a seminar or something."

"Get ready for another long day tomorrow; we're bringing in the big guns." Grace grabbed a chocolate bar off the console. "Better get a good night's rest."

* * *

><p><em>I'm sorry for being late with this. My excuse involves a lot of suitcases<em>


	6. Pools, Pears, and Perugilliam Brown

"Well, there we go," Esther leaned back, swinging underneath the glass floor. "The swimming pool is now in the library."

"You drowned the books?" Roheryn raised an eyebrow. "I thought you, the English major, would be aghast at the idea. And after that story about the guy who tore _Prince Caspian _in half…"

I put a glass barrier between the pool and the paperbacks. Took me a while to explain to the TARDIS what I wanted, but I think she finally got it." She patted the floor. "Didn't you, girl? Now, if you would only tell me your name…"

Grace and K9 Mark V appeared on the top floor. "You changed the desktop theme. I prefer Ten's myself, but we can take turns."

"Activating stair negation mode," K5 announced as he headed towards the main level.

"Whosa good dog? Whoosa good doggy? Youch! Nasty beam," Esther stood up, rubbing the back of her head.

"Please refrain from calling me 'good doggy.'"

"Well then, K5, let's see what we can do with the class schedule for today. Maybe I'll even find some waterproof books to read later." Esther smiled. "I think I'll grab breakfast first, though."

* * *

><p>"I found the kitchen!" Ashley yelled. "Come and get it!"<p>

Evelyn poked her head around the corner. "Food? Really?"

"It had better be more than just some protein bars," Sara hollered.

"I don't think they'd be that cruel."

"They set Daleks on us." Icey rubbed her shoulder. "Making us live on brightly colored goop would be amusing to them."

"Well, I found the fridge," Evelyn bent over and peered inside. "I think it's set up for a regenerating Time Lord-or a pregnant woman."

"What makes you say that?" Zoe opened a cupboard door to find a set of plastic silverware designed for tentacle monsters.

"Apples, bacon, fish fingers, custard, raspberry jello, jelly babies, Mentos—what are those doing in the fridge anyway?—pears, and spam."

"Is spam even food?" Sara grabbed a pear and bit into it. "It will do until the cafeteria opens."

"Do we have a cafeteria?"

"Yes, Grace mentioned it after the Dalek incident." Icey pointed out. "Come on, let's get to class. I have Runs A Lot to review season four, Alien Menaces, and Splendid Fellows. What do you guys have today?"

"I have Platonic Relationships and Gallifreyan History 101," Sara replied.

"Kissing/Space Gandalf." Ashley commented.

"Me too." Evelyn high-fived. "Incidentally, where do you think they come up with those class titles?"

"I know Eleven calls himself Space Gandalf in one of the extra clips for season five. Besides that, I'm suspecting a lot of sleepless nights and high qualities of sugar."

* * *

><p>Sara shoved her way past a contingent of Sontarans. Six flights of stairs had left her breathless, gasping as she scanned the room numbers. "06S021E05…ah, here it is. Platonic Relationships. Must be a classic episode, since all the new Doctor have romantic tangles."<p>

"Hello? Is this where Platonic Relationships meets?" A girl, roughly college age, with medium-length brunette hair tapped Sara on the shoulder.

"Yes. I'm Sara."

"Peri."

"Nice to meet you, Peri." Sara offered her hand. "But I think I'm going to be late." She squeezed into the room and plopped down in the empty front row. The walls of the half-full room were patterned with the Swiss-cheese construction of the Sixth Doctor's TARDIS. "Do you have any idea who's teaching today?"

Peri stepped through the door.

"Come sit by me. We have plenty of room." Sara offered, but Peri walked up to the glass podium.

"Hello, I'm Perugilliam Brown, also known as Peri, associate of the Fifth and Sixth Doctors. "

A crimson curtain fell over Sara's cheeks. She's a companion?

"I met the Doctor when I jumped off my stepfather's boat with an alien artifact and some supplies…"

* * *

><p>"Why don't they have any elevators here?" Ashley huffed. "I know it slows down the classic Daleks, but it provides plenty of chances to be trapped too."<p>

"Would you rather be trapped in an elevator or on a staircase?" Evelyn shrugged. "I'd rather not be trapped in either, but if I had to…"

"Depends on the enemy."

"Let's say Sontarans."

"I can't see Sontarans using an elevator. Besides, Rose rode the elevator with a Dalek."

"Which floor is it, again?"

"11th. Room 11S05E05. " Ashley pushed a door open. "Here we are, the 11th floor. So, which Doctor do you think we'll have?"

"Maybe Eleven?" Evelyn walked past a cluster of giggling girls in very short miniskirts. "After all, we are on the eleventh floor. "

"Nine would have a hard time convincing everyone he wasn't secretly in love with Rose, and as for Ten….he has his romantic moments."

"He's the most human of the Doctors, after all. " Evelyn pointed at the room number. "There we go."

The crowded room was decorated like the crashed Byzantium, but without the leaking radiation. "Comfy chairs!" Ashley leapt into one. "Now that's better."

"Hey, that was my chair." A girl in a Mario Kart shirt exclaimed.

"There's plenty more."

"My chair."

"Let's so, who do we have here?" The Eleventh Doctor's voice rang out.

Every girl looked towards the doorway; Ashley took advantage of the distraction to steal the seat.

"Okay. Please don't jump on me like you did on Harkness. That would be…not nice. Very not nice at all. And I like nice people. Why don't you all find seats?"

The still-standing girls quickly found chairs or benches, apparently anxious to convince him that they were 'nice.'

"So, Grace told me to talk about myself. Specifically, how I'm not in the least interested is snogging Amelia Pond."

Three girls sighed, while another half-dozen squeed with delight.

He rubbed his head. "Maybe I should just lock myself back in the Pandorica."


	7. Neil Armstrong's Foot

Neil Armstrong's Foot or Why the Moon does not Equal Werewolves!

* * *

><p>"Just because Rose and I faced a lupine wavelength haemovariform in Victorian England does not mean that there are werewolves in our universe, much less sparkling ones!"<p>

"But you and Alice make such a cute couple. The girl who can glimpse the future and the time traveler!" A girl held up a strawberry and bit into it.

"Even if I had a taste for bloodthirsty women, seeing the future is more likely to drive someone insane than anything else. Especially the future of a time-traveler. If a normal future is a cat's ball of yarn, my future is a huge ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-whimey….stuff!" Ten cleared his throat. "Besides, that is not the point."

"Then what is?" Icey reached around a Slitheen foot for her dropped pencil. "Wear a dress when visiting the past?"

"No, no, no! The point is: be prepared. Because the owner of that house was prepared, we were able to get out alive. Well, most of us. Some of us." He wiped his brow. "And that's the bell ringing now. Same time, different room next period."

* * *

><p>Evelyn stared at the dark room. "So, how does this work again?"<p>

Rani unlocked a wall cabinet and tossed her a padded harness, oversized sonic rod, and goggles. "Put these on while I explain. The construction crew accidentally added a relative room to the Academy, so Esther helped us adapt it into a training area. The low-gravity lessons the impact of falls and increases jumping ability. Currently it's set on training level—The minor shocks aren't set. "

"How minor?" Evelyn's eyes gleamed as she stared at the rod.

"Static electricity to start with, but it does worsen with repeated failures. Nothing lethal, though. Sarah Jane was very clear about that." Rani opened the door. "By the way, the rods don't work outside this room."

"Drat. Foiled." Evelyn mumbled as she stepped through the door. Her eyes quickly adjusted to the twilit room. A simple steel beam beneath her feet ended abruptly, leaving her to jump twenty feet to the next level.

"Okay, here we go," Evelyn whispered to herself. "Jump!"

She landed gently, with no more force than hopping off a bunkbed. From there, Evelyn could see a blinking sign reading 'Exit' above a white door on a flat platform. The platform was six feet above her, with a three foot gap horizontally. It was an easy hop. The door swung open at Evelyn's touch, depositing her back in the main room.

"Good job," Rani smiled. "There's two more training levels—one for using the sonic, and one to master power-ups. Then the first combat level. Very simple. All you have to do is use the sonic to get over a shock-gate."

Despite her misgivings, Evelyn reentered the facility. Over the course of the afternoon, she passed all the training levels and six of the combat levels—she just couldn't get the hang of drawing her own safety net while falling from fifty feet in the air. And in low gravity, it took a very long time to fall.

* * *

><p>"Why couldn't they have given us some maps?" Sara exclaimed. "I still haven't found the cafeteria, and I'm getting very tired of pears for breakfast. Not to mention that Ten wrinkles his nose every time I'm in his class." She opened a door to a room full of boxes, bottles and crates. Someone moved in the shadows. "Who's there?"<p>

A shape moved further back.

Sara poked her head inside. "Looks interesting. Is that a water gun?" She stepped up to the rack. "I could use that on the Slitheen, if I got a hold of some vinegar."

"Slitheen? What are they?" A girl in a leather jacket with several patches came into view. "Do they blow up well?"

"If you don't mind getting splattering in goo. Hey, is that a baseball bat? It's the wrong shape."

"It's a cricket bat. You must be American."

"Yes, I am. My name's Sara, by the way."

"Ace. You're here because of the Professor, I assume?"

"Professor?"

"He keeps insisting that I should call him 'Doctor.' And he doesn't like guns much. At least I have the Nitro-9 for when things get hairy. Well, technically, I don't, but that hasn't stopped him from borrowing it on occasion."

"Ah," Sara's throat suddenly felt like it had been sandblasted._ That_ Ace. "Well, if you'll hand me that water gun, I'll be on the way. "

"Sure. I'm mixing up a new batch of Nitro-9 if you want to help. Of course, it does tend to be unstable on occasion, but I think I have this batch down."

"No thank you, I have…other things to do."

* * *

><p>"So, Day of the Moon," Grace adjusted the screen settings to high-def. "Do you have the canon-synchronizer? We forgot to use it last time."<p>

K5 nodded. "I did a basic review last week, but it did not cover all the potential ramifications. "

"I may have to borrow it for Miracle Day too," Roheryn commented. "But that's not for another two months."

"No bloody Torchwood. " Esther griped as her mini-Balrog burst into flames. "Go find yourself some bacon and stalk the halls. And stop setting Sejeddy on fire, please."

The mini stalked off.

"Come on, girls. Here we go."

* * *

><p>"….<strong>I'm dying. But it's easy. I can fix that. It's easy, see?"<strong>

"She's regenerating!" Esther's jaw nearly unhinged. "A Time Lady?"

"Or something like one," Grace mumbled. "Couldn't the Sisterhood of Karn regenerate?"

"Six months. Three months. Nine months. A connection to Amy's not-pregnancy?" Roheryn mumbled. "Is she even pregnant?"

"They had better use it well, or I'll be severally ticked." Esther patted Sejeddy's head. "Now, my mini, let's see what we can do with it."


	8. It's Tough to be an Ood

Doctor reached into his pockets. "Yo-yo, cherry cough medicine, some thorns I confiscated from Leela… ah! Jelly babies." He extended a sticky handful to Zoe. "Best way to distract aliens. Just offer one some sweets and he'll be confused enough that you can run away."

Two gentlemen with badger-stripes down their hairline stormed through the door. "Get out of our way, old man!"

"Jelly baby?"

The men stared at each other, giving the Doctor a chance to bang their heads together.

"You see? Quite simple." He tossed a candy up in the air. "Incidentally, I frightened Leela once. She thought she I actually ate babies."

One of the men sat up, rubbing his head. "What just happened?"

"Always keep your guard up." He reached down and pulled the man off the ground. "Right, do you need help getting back to the dimensional canon?"

* * *

><p>Galadrile slunk behind one of Mr. Newman's fans as Esther adjusted the Xylock's settings. "There, that should do the trick," she announced. "Mr. Newman, are you now capable of monitoring all trans-dimensional portals and transformations?"<p>

"Certainly."

"Then can you access the crew of Oods hired for kitchen staff? I'm definitely ready for some piping hot stew."

"Indeed. " Mr. Newman hummed for a moment, suddenly producing twoscore Ood—half with the silver translator and half still holding their second brain.

One of the Oods already had a still-sizzling skillet in hand, from which the aroma of bacon rose. Galadrile ran out from her hiding place and attached herself to that Ood.

"Galadrile, don't burn the Ood or he can't make you more." Esther pointed out.

The mini loosened its grasp at once, an apologetic expression on its flaming face.

* * *

><p>Sara bounced on the balls of her feet as she stood in line behind three humans, two Slitheen, and four Time Ladies—who else would wear that hideous collar and cap? A real meal, at last. Fish and chips, most likely, but it was British and delicious all the same.<p>

"Would you like some chips?" One of the Oods asked her, spooning a load onto the hideous yellow plastic tray.

"Yes, please."

"The final commander shall destroy the impure romantic vessels."

"Excuse me," Sara raised an eyebrow. "What did you just say?'

The Ood brushed off his communicator ball. "Would you want vinegar with that?"

Sara glanced towards the two Slitheen in front of her. "Are they students?"

"Yes."

"I'll still take some. Just in case," she added.

* * *

><p>"And he always drives with the brakes on," River laughed. "I've told him so many times that the TARDIS doesn't like it, but he thinks it's brilliant."<p>

"Well, I'm not surprised." Donna waved her hands. "Apparently this new face of his is no more logical than the one I saw across the TARDIS console every day."

"Not to mention how he went about searching for the Key to Time," Romana smirked, letting her long blonde hair fall over her shoulders. "I'd tell you the story, but that might break some sort of time law."

"No more than me being here with you," A brunette in a white dress announced. "Greetings, I'm Romanadvoratrelundar."

"Hold on one bloody moment, I thought she was Romana," Donna glanced between the two. "Don't tell me you're one of those Martian folk too!"

"He's not Martian," River teased. "I've met some Martians. Your favorite nickname for him?"

"What's yours?" The blonde Romana asked.

"Sweetie!"

Donna clapped her hands, nearly tipping the chair over. "It threw him off so dreadfully when you did that." She turned back to the newcomer. "So, you're Romanad…."

"Romanadvoratrelundar. But since she's taken 'Romana,' call me Fred."

Roheryn walked into the room, deep in conversation with the Eleventh Doctor. "So, how have classes been going for you?"

"Surprisingly good. I've been getting some funny smiles, but no one's tried to glomp me yet. That may change when you realize the season, so do let me know."

"Hello Sweetie," River called.

"Hello…River?" The Doctor gulped as he noticed River's company. "Donna? And both Romanas? Oh…nice to see you again, ladies. But I really must be off, stuff to do, other things to avoid…" He sprinted toward the TARDIS parking area, shoving the door open and quickly starting the dematerialization.

"I think you scared him. " Roheryn laughed.

"Did we?" River's eyes gleamed. "Well, ladies, what do you say we do it again next time we're in the area?"

* * *

><p>For those who haven't seen much Classic Who: The Doctor traveled with a Time Lady named Romanadvoratrelundar at one point. She regenerated while traveling with him. The brunette Romana ('Fred') was first, then the blonde one.<p> 


	9. Stop, or I Shoot Myself

Ashley carried her tray across the main hall, looking for a table that was mainly composed of humans. Since Miss Grace had ordered student Slitheen to remain disguised, there was always one table of farting, fat pupils. The handful of Dalek and Cyberman students didn't need to eat, but some of the other aliens ate the strangest food.

"Hey, come sit with us," someone called.

Intent on avoiding a gaggle of Groske, Ashley didn't recognize the voice until she sat down.

"Hey, you're Icey's roommate, aren't you?"

"Oh, it's you, Drose." Ashley stared down at her plate.

"Don't forget me!" Jill Harkness chirped. "I'm, like, her best bud."

"I'm not surprised. You two seem very similar."

"Anyway, I'd like to talk with Icey sometime, but we don't have any of the same classes. Could you mention it to her?" Drose fluttered her eyelashes.

Ashley nearly gagged. "Actually, I'm late to class right now. Plus I have so much homework, and training exercises for Bannerman Academy—I don't know if I have time."

"What are you learning there—three-step speeches for invading aliens?" Jill smirked. "I have weapons training later tonight."

"Well—you see—" Ashley bit her lip on _you trigger-happy moron,_ settling for "Later."

Roheryn stared at the plastic bag of pills. "I'm not happy about handing out retcon to students. Even if it's not addictive, it totally eliminates the point of the class."

"It's not straight-up retcon. It's primarily Bleepin with directed retcon only effective on the details of the previous class period. Or would you rather have Adam come back again and throw Torchwood out of character?" Grace pointed out.

"It's not Torchwood I'm worried about," Roheryn muttered. "If he can mess with canons, how's his power going to affect a school of hormone-crazed teenagers."

"Esther set the inter-dimensional cannon so that any mind-control abilities would be blocked to students unless otherwise requested by a professor. But if you're still worried, you can borrow Galadrile and Sejeaddy to shock students into sanity."

"Sanity? With this lot?"

"Point made." Grace shrugged. "But remember, classes are cancelled tomorrow for the 'Eighth Man Bound' seminar."

"Esther picked the title, didn't she? Didn't she consider how some students could interpret it?" Roheryn moaned.

"At least it will get more students there. We need to get more interest in the classic series."

"And I didn't take Lady Christine with me because?" The Tenth Doctor scanned the room, looking for someone who was paying attention. Half the class had already walked out as soon as they learned that he wouldn't be talking about Rose or being the last Time Lord, and most of the others only stayed to perfect the caricatures they were drawing in the textbook margins.

"Because she was too bold. I think she would have died in her first episode off-planet," Icey announced.

He blinked at her. "Well, that is one possibility. I don't really have a consistent track record with people, do I? I mean, Astrid, Adelaide, Jackson Lake, Donna—well, Donna was a unique case; she tracked me down after initially rebuffing me."

"She drove me bonkers." Another student commented. "I just wanted to slap her from the moment she appeared in the TARDIS. I don't know why you let her come along later. She was such a jerk, really. Deserved everything that came to her."

"What did you just say?"

"Donna was a stupid jerk who deserved everything she got."

Icey scooted as far away from the speaker as she could.

"Ten did what?" Esther exclaimed into her wrist-com.

"He turned the student into a Donna Noble collectable action figure. Then another student stole it."

"Sweet sonic screwdriver! I know most of our students have grits and bangers for brains, but ticking off the Tenth Doctor? The Doctor who ran from the Family of Blood to be kind, because he didn't want to give them eternal life! K5, run a scan for cell-based plastic mutations in the past hour. " Esther sighed.

"Do you want to scold or should I?" Roheryn's voice crackled. "I'm afraid I'd laugh too much. That's what we get for letting him watch the Red Nose Day specials."

"He's not _my _Doctor—I probably could do so properly. "

"That's what I thought—Grace would not be a good choice."

The Next Day

"Hey, move over."

"Get your own seat."

"Ex-ter-min-ate!"

"Delate!"

"I can't see the screen."

"Okay, everyone," Miss Esther's voice boomed over the speakers. "Thank you for coming to the mandatory session 'Eighth Man Bound.' We will open by watching the 1996 Fox TV movie, and then-"

Moans cut off the rest of her words.

"I've heard it's lame."

"There's an eighth Doctor?"

"I thought it was going to be about the Master and the Doctor having hot sex!  
>"That's IT!" Esther screamed. "Or do you want me to get Peri and have her yell at you?"<p>

The students who had encountered Peri instantly fell silent.

"Good. Now, sit down and watch."


	10. Spots of Paradox

Sejeaddy scuttled down the hallway, slumping against the walls like a ping pong ball in a Jello maze. The mini had not yet mastered using his eight spider legs, two Reaper legs, and two wings, especially since his spinoff origins doomed him to walking like a lost top. He sniffed the air, ignoring the smell of bacon. There was an even sweeter smell issuing from one of the reTARDISes—a smell of paradox and seafood.

* * *

><p>Jill Harkness glanced over the notes on the floor. "Drose, you really think this will work?"<p>

"It would help if we could find out what her lust object is. Then we could definitely bait the hook so sweet she wouldn't even notice."

"I was actually more concerned with the second part of the plan. If there's any genetic scanners, our plans are dead in the water."

"I have some material, but not enough to fool a scanner yet. But I managed to swipe Icey's blouse the other day—we can estimate her size from that."

"Right, so let's go check out the wardrobe room. Do you think Ekculls would like to help us?"

"She's busy with a fanfic. " Drose gestured to a scrawny girl in a leather jacket perched underneath the coral branches. "Besides, I don't really want to share with her."

"Right."

Ekculls ignored them, nibbling an eraser as she scribbled on a sheet of notebook paper. _And Rose, full of the pwer of the Time Vortex, stared at the fishy lady of (Italy? Rome?) and dissolved her into ashes. _

_The Doctor adjusted his leather jacket. "What's this crack thing she spoke of?"_

"_It does not matter." Rose kissed him. "We will save the universe together, as we have always done."_

Something scuttled across the floor. Ekculls glanced up and screamed.

Sejeaddy waved a friendly wing in her direction, flipping the paper away. He smelled the richness of temporal paradox, flavored with out of character moments and a side of fish lady.

"Out, out, get out of here!" she yelled, tossing a pen at the mini.

The pen fell to the ground. Sejeaddy ignored it, staring at the ghostly figures floating above the paper. In one quick bite, he swallowed the paradox, paper, pen and all.

"My story," Ekculls wailed. "Drose, Jill! There's a monster in my room."

Sejeaddy nipped Ekculls' ankle before running out of the room.

* * *

><p>"I know a lot of you are interested in writing multi-Doctor crossovers. Well, today we have a special treat for you." Grace offered her cheesiest game-show-host smile. "It's twice the fun with the Fifth and Tenth Doctors."<p>

They stepped in from opposite corners of the room. "Don't go calling me a fan this time. These are fans," he gestured to the crowd. "I'm you."

"Right, okay."

Evelyn nudged Sara. "Are you okay?"

"Slap me if I start drooling," Sara waved her off. "I'm fine, absolutely fine."

"How does this work—isn't it some sort of paradox?"

"This bubble universe doesn't have an established chronology, so we don't have to worry about time differentials or such." Ten explained.

"And what about Jenny? Bet that was an awkward wedding."

"Excuse me?" Five adjusted his hat. "Jenny?"

"Didn't you read your packet?" Grace muttered.

"There was nothing about a Jenny in there!"

"She's my—well, our—actually, mostly mine, but in a sense, our—er, daughter." Ten coughed.

"And your girlfriend!" Jill chirped.

"No, she's David Tennant's girlfriend," Ten's words had the ice-edge to them that would have warned a smarter fan to back down.

"Listen, Peter Davidson's daughter played David Tennant's opposite-sex clone and then married David Tennant and they had a daughter." Grace tried to explain.

"Or the Doctor's daughter who played the Doctor's daughter married the Doctor and had the Doctor's daughter!" Someone else chanted.

Ten shook his head. "How many times do I have to tell you, that man is not me! In your universe, I'm fictional. In my universe, you might be fictional!"

"You think there's a show about me? What sort of ratings might it get?"

"Don't be silly, who'd watch it?"

"Does Lauren exist in yours then?"

"Who?"

"The Catherine Tate show. What sort of wally are you?"

"I'm not sure what that means, but I'm sure it's rude!"

Grace rubbed her forehead. "Why do these things always go so dreadfully wrong?"

* * *

><p>Grace pressed an icepack to her forehead. "Should we put some sort of pacifying agent in the classrooms?"<p>

"I just watched Serenity—no way," Esther shook her head. "Those things are bad news. I'll see what Mr. Newman can do about it."

Roheryn adjusted the television settings. "Let's sit back for now. Curse of the Black Spot is on tonight. Pirates and swordplay and such!"

"Sounds like a breather episode. I could definitely use one," Esther sank into a beanbag chair. "Has anybody seen Sejeaddy recently? I thought I'd see if Sarah Jane could use her in class."

"He hasn't been stumbling around the TARDIS?"

"He's a spinoff-crossover mini, he's lucky to be alive at all," Esther huffed.

"Oh, I'm not dissing him. I'd rather trip over him then Galadrile. No burns, you know." Roheryn answered.

Something scuttled into the room. "Oh, Sejeaddy, you got back just in time for Curse of the Black Spot!" Esther scooped him up. "Where have you been all day?"

"Yum-me!"

"What was that?"

"Yum-me!"

"You just talked!" Sejeaddy just said his first word!" Esther squeed. "Wait a minute…what was yummy?"

"Yum-me!" Sejeaddy repeated.

Esther pulled out her sonic pen and scanned the mini. "Just student-generated paradox and out of character moments—that shouldn't be happening here. Mr. Newman, tighten anti-fic protocols for the entire campus."

"Of course.

Esther settled back on her chair. "Can you say 'Doctor?'"

"Doctor." Sejeaddy repeated.

"This should be amusing," Roheryn grinned.

* * *

><p>"Well, that was…different," Grace admitted.<p>

"I liked it. Another one like the last two would have overloaded the HONF tanks. And next week, it's 'The Doctor's Wife!' I'm stoked about that one," Esther announced. "It sounds like so much fun!"

"It was okay, but not that good. Gaiman's should be better." Roheryn agreed. "I've read some of his stuff."

"Maybe I will too. Get some idea of what he writes." Esther jumped from the couch and wandered into the library. "Goodness, there aren't any Vashti Nerada here, are there?"


	11. Witch Hunters May

The 16th-century hall, still dark and smoky, was filled with teenagers in t-shirts and jeans. The Tenth Doctor's trenchcoat was only slightly less anachronistic. "Do we have any volunteers for a demonstration?"

Half a dozen students screamed "Me! Me!" at once.

Icey scooted her end of a bench half a step back. Something about the room made her very, very nervous. "I don't think it's Romeo and Juliet here."

Ten pointed to one of them. "Right, you in the leather jacket, step right up here please."

The girl pumped the air with her fist. "Right, what do you want me to do?"

"Just stand right there. Good, you can come out now."

A young woman, barely as tall as the Doctor's chest, stepped out of the shadows. "You brought another friend with you?"

"Well, I wouldn't exactly call her a friend, but if you want to think so, be my guest."

The newcomer began circling the student. "Strange, so very peculiar…but plastered in thy hollow skull, I see the title 'Ekculls!'"

Ekculls slipped to the floor, landing with a dull thud.

"It didn't work," the woman hissed.

"No, of course not. She's out of her time too—out of everyone's time. This place is just a little bubble, a gap between the worlds. Your naming has no power here." The Doctor turned back to the class. "Now, does anyone know what she is?"

"A witch?"

"A human?"

"Nasty?"

"A Carrionite?"

"Righto—and the way to deal with a Carrionite?"

"Naming!"

"And if that doesn't work?"

Icey flipped through her _Ultimate Doctor Who Survival Guide. _Atraxi, the Beast…ah, Carrionite. "I guess normal methods of killing a person would work."

"I guess so. But we don't need to kill this one. So, off you go, back to the void. Have fun."

The Carrionite glared at him. "And why should I listen to you?"

"Because otherwise I'll turn you over to Captain Jack. He's got some very interesting ideas on proper treatment of alien species. But it really depends on what sort of mood he's in."

The Carrionite shuddered and fled the room.

* * *

><p>Over in Bannerman Road Academy, Sarah Jane led her class down a pair of stairs which had definitely not been there yesterday. "Mr. Newman set up a special-chrono link for me. I don't even have to drive to Ashen Hill Manner."<p>

"I knew I should have brought a flashlight," Evelyn muttered. "And a really big stick."

"I haven't seen that episode yet," Sara whispered to Zoe. "Is it scary?"

Zoe shuddered. "Ghosties and things that go bump in the night. You'll never look at a rocking horse in the same way again."

Ashley stumbled into the stone walls, covering her hands in cobwebs. "Don't worry, Sarah Jane knows what she's doing."

"Of course she does, but what about us?" Evelyn tightened her grip on a pen. "I haven't even mastered training level ten yet."

"Level ten?" Sara asked. "I haven't even gotten past level five yet. It's so hard to get over that vertical bar."

"Shh," someone hissed from the front of the group. "We're in the basement. Darkening could show up at any moment now."

"Exactly. Where is Miss Smith?" Eramus stepped into the hall right behind Zoe and Sara. "Did you bring me more children to absorb?"

"Not in the least. I brought them here so they could learn how to face the darkness." Sarah Jane replied.

Zoe and Sara stepped back. "Hello, Mr. Darkening sir," Zoe stammered. "Nice day for a costume party, isn't it? You look really snazzy."

"Foolish children, get out of my way!" he growled.

"Darkening, you shall not escape me again!"

Darkening whirled around, staring into Lord Marchwood's blade. "You shall not defeat me this time."

"He doesn't have to. All he has to do is hold you off while we leave. Come on, class." Sarah Jane called. "There's another staircase over here."

* * *

><p>Turlough crossed his arms and leaned against the wall as Tegan energetically explained that "Queen of the May" was not just some pretty prom title. "And then some crazy gentleman with a taste for dress-up tried to kill me. It was just supposed to be a Civil War reenactment."<p>

"Who won, the Confederates or the Yankees?"

"Confederates or Yankees?" The Fifth Doctor repeated. "Oh, you must be thinking of the _American_ Civil War. What my young friend is referring to is the English Civil War. Roundheads versus Cavaliers and Charles I being beheaded and all that bloody rubbish."

"Maybe they should add a course on English history and culture," Evelyn whispered to Zoe. "We don't get enough of it at regular school."

"Our enemies this time were the Hakolian, a very nasty species that used a sentient wall to gather psychic energy. Thankfully, the wall collapsed."

"And the point?" Zoe whispered.

"I'm not sure either," Ashley agreed.


	12. Bigger on the Inside

"Has the TARDIS's chameleon circuit ever worked?" Evelyn asked the Eighth Doctor. "I mean, I know it worked before 'Unearthly Child,' but since then?"

"At least you've got a beautiful interior," Another girl commented. "I mean, it's absolutely gorgeous. The TARDIS has always been bigger on the inside, but it actually looked like it with yours."

The giant interior was occupied by less than a dozen pupils. Five were clustered around the Doctor, three were investigating the library contents, two were opening every door they could find, and another one was flickering buttons on the TARDIS console.

"Thanks. Oh, hit the buttons all you want, this is just a holographic interior, by the way." The Doctor called to the latter.

Zoe glanced up from the shelving unit. "That would explain why the books have empty pages. " She set down a copy of H.G. Well's _The Time Machine_ and wandered over to the console. "Oh, it's absolutely gorgeous. Hello, I'm Zoe."

"Neo Damien."

"Hang on, isn't Neo a boy's name?"

"That might be because I am a boy," Neo sat up, adjusting a pair of thick-lensed glasses that had slid down the bridge of his noise.

Zoe hiccupped.

"A boy, yes, we do exist." Neo's voice pitched up. "Not many of us here—I think it's just me and my flatmates. My friend Andrew has been trying to pick up a chick, but with all these Time Lords and dudes running around, it's like trying to fight your way out of the Death Star with a butter knife."

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Neo." Zoe extended a hand. "I have a beak after this, would you like to go to lunch together?"

"Like…Like a date?" Neo gasped.

"No, not a date. Most definitely not a date. Just fish and chips."

"Served up by Ood," he added. "Sounds like a good idea."

* * *

><p>Golden light filled the Ninth Doctor's TARDIS. Icey sat near the back, especially cautious after the Carrionite incident. "How exactly can you be here," she mumbled to herself.<p>

"I am the Bad Wolf. This place is outside of Time, and it is nowhere."

"Okay, that was slightly creepy."

"Since Rose could absorb the Time Vortex, doesn't that mean she had to be more than just an ordinary human? I mean, there's no way a normal human could absorb that sort of energy and live." Drose chirped.

"I can see eternity. Life and death are in my hands," it replied.

"So, could you make me immortal too?" Someone shouted.

"Why should I?"

"Because I'm awesome!"

"No way," The words were all Rose Tyler and nothing of Bad Wolf. The gleaming light dimmed for a moment. "Do you want me to see you as an enemy?"

"No!"

"Then we understand each other."

* * *

><p>Esther curled up on a beanbag chair, munching from a bowl of caramel corn. "The Doctor's Wife, here we go."<p>

"Five jellybabies says it's about River Song."

"Six fish fingers and a quart of fish custard says no way," Grace retorted.

"Such a lame bet. We have access to an infinite fridge and you bet jellybabies and fishfingers," Esther licked caramel from her fingers. "But if that's how you want it—oh, is that woman glowing?"

"She played Mona Lisa in SJA," Grace noted. "Should be interesting to see who this Idris is. And an Ood too!"

"_I'm the... oh, what do you call me? We travel. I go..._vworp, vworp_!"_

_The Doctor stares at her "The TARDIS?"  
><em>_**"**__ Time and Relative Dimension in Space. Yes, that's it. Names __are __funny. It's me. I'm the TARDIS."  
>"<em>Where's my jellybabies?" Grace playfully demanded.

"I always knew that she was self-aware," Esther nodded. "Yes, you are, aren't you, my girl? I knew you were."

The Time Motor vibrated appreciatively.

As the closing credits rolled, Roheryn wiped a tear from her eye. "Why do they have to keep doing things like that? One moment of happiness—and then they take it away again."

"I just wanna give him a hug," Esther agreed. "Poor lonely Time Lord. She can't ever talk to him again, never ever. That was a Moment with a capital M, just like the one that destroyed Gallifrey, but instead it ruined him."


	13. Think I'm a Clone Now

Icey sank into a chair, rubbing her ankles. "For only being half a floor up, this room was a nightmare to find. I had to sneak through NS04E13 –with regeneration in progress, mind you, and this room does not seem to stay put. "

"Icey, is that you?" Drose called from the other side of the room. "There's room for you over here, and there's something we wanted to ask you."

"You haven't met our roommate Ekculls yet either," Jill bounced up and down. "We should have you over for supper sometime."

"Thanks, but I'm fine with the cafeteria meals." Icey opened Someone to Stop Him and flipped to the section on River Song to see if it had been updated with season six details.

Drose reached into her backpack and pulled out a silver bracelet set with sapphires. "Found this in the wardrobe, but it doesn't fit my colors. I thought you might like it."

"Really?" Icey stared at it for a moment. "Well…thank you."

"Right then, class, let's get started." The Tenth Doctor entered the room. "I'm the Metacrisis Doctor, frequently called Ten point five, Ten Two, Other Doctor, Handy, and Cloen. But for this class, you will call me Doctor."

"Excuse me," Icey raised her hand. "When did the Doctor end up with a clone?"

"In Journey's End, wally," Jill snapped. "Haven't you seen it yet?"

"I haven't had a chance to!" Icey retorted.

The Metacrisis rubbed his head. "Thank the galaxies I ended up in a parallel universe. I don't know how the original me puts up with these people."

* * *

><p>"Three, two…one!" Roheryn grinned. "Cue 'The Rebel Flesh.'"<br>"I've been looking forward to this. Sounds like Avatar, but I've heard they actually explore the implications of creating fake bodies and putting minds in them." Esther grinned. "K5, are you ready to process the episode to Mr. Newman?"

"Affirmative, Mistress."

Grace walked past, rubbing her forehead.

"Grace, aren't you going to watch 'Rebel Flesh?'"

"Oh, that's tonight?" Grace plopped into a beanbag chair. "Where does the time go?"

"Trying to answer that would require more technobabble then I can manage at the moment," Roheryn sighed.

* * *

><p>"Where did you get that bracelet anyway, Drose?" Ekculls asked.<p>

"The scarf-dude took it out of his pocket and forgot about it. The reTARDIS identified it as coercion stone, linked to this ring," Drose slid a silver ring up and down. "After tests, I am sure it will fulfill all the requirements of our plan."

"Speaking of which, where's B'elanna ? I haven't seen her since the Slitheen experiament."

"She'll recover," Drose waved dismissively.

"Creepy…just, so creepy."

"A clone of Eleven-Could I keep him?" Esther scratched K5's bow-tie. "But poor other clones. Poor, poor, Flesh."

"Well, we might as well fill next week with some more clone-related classes. See if anyone is paying enough attention to figure it out." Grace suggested. "And, no, we cannot do anything with Eleven's clone until 'The Almost People' airs."

"Well, in that case, I'm going to watch some more Fourth Doctor episodes. Romana II is quite intriguing."

* * *

><p>"Sontarans do not have gender." A random potato-headed commander stood on a platform in the main hall, lecturing the entire university. "We are grown in vats and produced ready to fight for the glory of the Sontaran Empire. "<p>

"And you still look like Bilbo Baggins!" Someone yelled.

The Sontaran scowled in the speaker's general direction. "We never retreat. We face our enemies head-on."

"And yet one of your kind was defeated by three teens and a woman!" Evelyn recognized the voice from Bannerman Road Academy, but couldn't remember the girl's name.

"You speak blasphemy!" The Sontaran boomed. "We shall defeat you, puny Earth brats!"

Autons approached from another corner of the room. Their skin, too perfect and smooth, showed no emotion, but the Sontaran raised his gun. A spray of bullets knocked the faces from some of the Autons, revealing a jumbled mass of wires and plastic under the still-perfect hair.

Evelyn shivered. "The Android Invasion, much?" she whispered to Ashley.

"Let's get out of here," Ashley suggested. "I have a feeling this is going to turn into another shoot-out."

* * *

><p>"And when I saw her—I'd seen so many strange things while traveling with the Doctor, some beautiful, some terrifying, but nothing like seeing yourself." Martha slid her ring up and down her finger.<p>

"What would you have done if it stayed alive?"

"It?" Martha frowned at the student. "She was as alive as you or I. But if she stayed alive….I don't know. What would you do if you had a clone?"

Zoe bit her lip for a moment. She couldn't see herself as a murderer, but she wouldn't get along with herself very well either. "There's no good option. And that's why I hope we never get the technology to do it."

"Humans are never going to limit technology. Depending on the clone's age, it might just be like having a twin." Sara shrugged. "I've wanted a sister sometimes."

"It's not always as great as it sounds," Martha replied. "Trust me."

* * *

><p>"Icey, we're going for some extra practice in the training room. I know you aren't in the Academy, but would you like to come? We even get sonic rods—they only work in the room, though," Evelyn frowned. "I should see if there's a way around that."<p>

"No thanks, I'm not feeling well."

"The shocks only hurt a little bit, come on." Ashley teased. "No pain, no gain."

"Shocks? I'll stay here." Icey moaned, burrowing deeper under her sheets.

"Sara is staying to studying, so yell if you need anything,"

"Gotcha." The bracelet dimmed to grey for a moment, then turned blue again.


	14. Out of the Window is the Wrong Direction

"I only need two things to enter any building, my sonic screwdriver and my physic paper." The Tenth Doctor flashed the card before his pupils.

"Did that just say you're a vegan?" One girl nearly leapt from her set. "Me too!"

"NO! Pysch paper, very tricky thing. Need to focus on exactly what you want from it."

"And it BREAKS!" Eleven's shout echoed through the vents from the floor above. "Wouldn't even claim that I am a mature and responsible adult!"

Donna snorted. "If you're anything like Spaceman here, no wonder. You just use your tools so you don't have to think."

"OYE!" Ten exclaimed, nearly in unison with Eleven's cry of "That's really rude."

Damion, in the corner of the room, chuckled at the Doctors' indignant response.

"I got into that Adipose Industries building with only my wits. Just walk around like you know what you're doing, and nobody will stop you. "

"Just until you run into someone who knows that you aren't supposed to be there, and then this comes in handy," The Doctor concluded, waving his sonic triumphantly.

* * *

><p>"But weren't talking about running a mission, were we? We were talking about getting into a building. What we do when we get there is another lesson." Donna crossed her arms. "Any questions?"<p>

"One of the most important skills for an investigator—whether or not aliens are involved—is gaining access to areas that are not normally open to the public." Sarah Jane announced. "Stealth will get you into some places, talking into a few more, and a sonic device into most of the rest, unless there's a deadlock seal involved."

Evelyn eagerly scribbled notes.

"Now, give me an example of a location you would like to get into, and I'll talk you through it."

"The staff lounge!" Ashley blurted out.

"Nice try, but no." Sarah Jane smiled. "Any other suggestions?"

"The kitchens."

"The studios of the BBC during filming."

"Okay, let's go with that. How might you attempt to get in using stealth?"

"Walk in after one of the employees, carrying a stack of papers to look busy." Zoe offered.

"What might be some problems with this approach?"

"Card checks, getting lost, being discovered. I'd probably have better luck if I pretended to be from some organization wanting an interview." Sara tilted her head. "New media might be better—it's much easier to set up a Facebook page or blog than a newspaper."

Sarah Jane nodded. "It also helps if you have credible sources, but that's something you'll gain with experience. As for the final option, I hope you have all been practicing in the training area, because you will need to put those skills to use at some point."

"Really?" A buzz of excitement filled the room. "When?"

"I still need to discuss it with Esther and Grace, but I'll let you know when I have details."

Evelyn and Ashley joined Sara and Zoe as they filed out of the room. "A mission where we get sonics? How cool is that?"

"Just as long as we don't have to deal with Daleks. Slitheen are fine, and I wouldn't mind the slime at all."

"By the way, have you seen Icey recently? She didn't come with us to the training area the other day, and I think she skipped classes today." Zoe shook her head. "I'm a bit worried about her."

"Probably caught a bug or something. Some of that mash the Ood make is enough to turn anyone's stomach, but I suppose we should check on her at some point." Sara agreed. "But I have my classic session in fifteen minutes."

* * *

><p>"I've heard some of you talking about physic paper." The Seventh Doctor peered down his nose at the class. "That's nothing. One time I snuck into a WWII military base. Solved a logical dilemma and forged the paperwork right under their noses." He paused for dramatic affect. "He accepted it."<p>

"And then what?" Sara asked.

"Oh, lots of things. Fake vampires, blew up a church."

"Hey, Professor," Ace stuck her head in the door. "The TARDIS is making a funny noise."

"What did you do?"

"Well…I may have been working on some Nitro-9 that wasn't entirely stable."

"WHAT!" The Doctor grabbed his walking stick. "Right, I must be off! "

* * *

><p>Amy Pond paused outside the door to the staff lounge. "That's some climb."<p>

Esther huffed as she appeared at the top of the stairs, followed by Galadrile. "I should have told the Groske to install an elevator, but I had just watched 'Dalek,' so the elevator scene was still fresh in my mind." She pressed her palm flat against the scanner. "Mistress Esther and Amy Pond. "

The door slid open. Esther waved Galadrile through before it closed, and Amy brushed past them both.

"Hey, Leela, Ace, what's up?" Esther called.

"The Professor's off fixing the TARDIS," Ace gestured towards the one billowing smoke. "Just a small problem with the Nitro-9."

"What is this Nitro-9?" Leela looked up from sharpening her knife.

"It's an explosive to blow up enemies."

"All I need is my knife and janis thorns. The Saverteem believe weapons that kill at a distance are for cowards."

"You calling me a coward?" Ace sprang to her feet.

"Now, girls, let's not get in a fight." River Song appeared in the middle of the room, clutching her vortex manipulator. "In fact, I was just on my way to sort out a little mess in the Gamma Forests. Want to come along?"

"Sure, that'd be swell!" Ace exclaimed.

Leela nodded.

"Well, then, hold tight girls!" River took Ace's left hand, Leela's right, pressed them on the manipulator, and all three disappeared.

"Should I be worried about them?" Amy asked.

"That, Amelia Pond, is the question of the hour, isn't that? Why do people worry, anyway? Worrying never solved problems, never did anything except give some people a headache and bad dreams and maybe drove a few to suicide—the point is, why be worried? Hello, Pond."

"Hello, Doctor." Esther giggled.

"And Esther!" The Doctor kissed her on both cheeks. "How's the season going so far?"

"Fine. Two more episodes left, then we'll call an executive meeting on releasing 6a to the students. In fact, I was just on my way to see an episode now, so if you'll excuse me."

"Of course. Come along, Pond, there's this planet I absolutely have to show you. It's got multi-colored fireflies. On a summer night, it looks like a field of fairy Christmas trees, absolutely amazing."

Esther paused at the door to her TARDIS. By the way, Doctor, the kissing thing-it's not exactly a 21st century thing." But her lips held back a smile.

* * *

><p>"Two doctors!" Esther exclaimed. "Can we all agree now that Captain Jack <em>never <em>learns of this?"

"Agreed!" Grace and Roheryn chorus in unision.

"Talking to yourself is a sign of insanity," Roheryn commented.

"Or genius!" Esther protested, but she accidentally grabbed Galadrile's wing instead of her glass of cold cider. "Youch!"

"Good, at least we know you aren't a ganger!" Grace teased.

"What would a ganger be doing here when we haven't even released The Impossible Astronaut yet?" Roheryn replied. "Anyway, shh, I want to hear this witty banter."

* * *

><p>" <em>Doctor, I am frightened. I'm properly, properly scared."<em>

Esther grabbed Sejeaddy off the floor and held him close.

"_Don't be, hold on. We're coming for you, I swear. Whatever happens, however hard, however far, we will find you."_

" _I'm right here. "  
>" No you're not. You haven't been here for a long long time."<em>

"Doctor, what are you doing?" Grace yelled._  
>" Oh no. " <em>

_Amy exploded into a pile of goo. In one flash, she woke up in a tight iron room. The eyepatch lady was staring down at her. _

"_Well dear. You're ready to pop, aren't you? Little one's on its way. Here it comes. Push..."_

"**What!"** all three girls exclaimed in unison. "That was a Ganger."

Someone knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" Grace yelled.

"The unit designated K5. I have news for the Mistresses. Companion Amy Pond is an imposter."

"We know that," Esther snapped. "But nobody else should. She's a Ganger!"

"I do not understand. But my sensors show that the life form that entered this lounge this afternoon does not match the DNA print of Amy Pond."


	15. Not Myself

Zoe was jolted out of the world of_ Lungbarrow_ by the blaring Cloister Bell. "Great, don't tell me the world is ending. We had Weeping Angels in class, and my nerves are shot." She slipped a bookmark into the novel and shuffled down to the control room, where Sara, Ashley and Evelyn soon joined her.

"Do you have any idea what's going on?" Ashley asked.

Air near the reTARDIS console fizzled, shaping itself into Grace. "A level one lockdown has been declared. Level one lockdowns close all interdimensional gateways. It is recommended but not required that students stay in their current location. "

"Is it dangerous?"

The hologram disappeared.

"Must not have been made for answering questions," Evelyn commented. "We should make sure Icey heard the announcement."

"Yeah, you know, I haven't seen her in…" Zoe's face scrunched up. "Two, maybe three days?"

"And you didn't think to mention this before now?" Sara asked.

"We're busy, and it's a big place to get lost in. At least I know the way to her room. Three rights, two lefts, one center." Zoe led the way down the hall, pausing at a green door. "Icey, can we come in? Icey, are you there?"

"No," Evelyn smirked.

"We're coming in." Zoe pushed the door open, revealing a mostly empty room with a neatly made bed, folded pajamas on a chair, and nothing else. "It didn't look like this last time."

"Maybe she's been eaten by a crack," Sara suggested.

"I doubt it, since we can still remember her."

* * *

><p>"An imposter?" Grace repeated. "K5, have Mr. Newman confirm your results and upload them to my handheld. Esther, trigger a level one security lockdown and block all interdimensional transmissions. Roheryn, grab a combined CAD—I think Esther's is in the main control room."<p>

Roheryn ran down the hall and returned with the device. "Now what?"

"I think we should have a talk with Amy. And Rory and Eleven, while we're at it. The barriers should have blocked students from altering characters, so this threat probably came from outside." Grace strode up to Eleven's TARDIS. "It's Grace and Roheryn!"

The door swung open. "Grace, Roh, hello, come on in, where's Esther, is something wrong?"

Grace glanced past the Doctor. "Where's Amy?"

"Oh, she spilled some punch on her jumper, went to clean it up."

"Well, we have reasons to believe that she might have been replaced by an imposter," Roheryn held up the CAD. "This should help."

"Why don't we test it out?" Grace pointed it at the Doctor and checked the reading_. [__The Doctor (11__th__) / Time Lord. Male. / Protagonist / 99.999999% in-character/ Such readings may be caused by non-canon characters. Suggest find character and eliminate.] _"You're clean."

The Doctor peered over her shoulder. "Ooh, that's cool. I could use one of those, have it tell me when someone's brainwashed. "

Amy walked into the room. "Grace, Roheryn? Is something wrong?"

Grace pointed the CAD at her. _Amelia Jessica Pond-Williams/ Human. 21__st__ Century. Female / Companion…replacement. Kiwis. Snow. Mermaids."_

"Turn it off!" Roheryn yelled. "Esther will kill us if we break her CAD." She snatched it out of Grace's hands and turned it off. "Doctor, it seems we have a fake Amy here."

"What? No, it's me."

The Doctor glanced at Grace and Roheryn. "Are you sure?"

Grace's PDA binged with a new message. "Excuse me, message from Mr. Newman and K5. " She read it quickly. "They confirm that this is not Amy Pond. K5 detected traces of mind-control and illusionary energies."

"So, someone's impersonating Amy Pond."

"Most likely."

"In that case, where' s the real one?" The Doctor interjected. "I don't want to tell Rory I lost his wife."

* * *

><p>"I think I made turned the hypnotic power too strong. She's not responding to my signals anymore."<p>

"I told you it might be a bad idea."

"I don't think you had a better one."

"Are you sure Amy's secure?"

"Nobody can break into a TARDIS, remember?"

"The Daleks could."

"And why would Daleks come looking for Amy?"

* * *

><p>"So, if she's an actual human, how do we break the hypnosis?"<p>

"Well, Sarah Jane's an expert on hypnosis, but from the other end."

"Let me try," The Doctor offered. He stepped up to 'Amy,' and peered into her eyes. "Who's there? Anybody home?"

She blinked. "What's wrong?"

"Come on, I don't want to hurt you. I just want to know who you are. Maybe we could have fish fingers and custard afterwards. You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"Ick!"

"That's it, Pond wouldn't say ick. Well, she'd probably saw ew, gross, that's disgusting, but I can't imagine her saying ick. Now, what's your name?"

"Ice…Icey."

"Ah, that's a great name, absolutely great. Now, why were you pretending to be my friend Amy hm?"

"I was pretending to be Amy?" Icey yawned. "I was pretending…to be Amy… Pretending to be Amy!" She jumped back, causing her hologram to break and reveal her true self. "And I'm the TARDIS! Oh wow, oh wowoww…."

"Ahem," Grace cleared her throat.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, really, I have no idea how I ended up here, really, I don't!"

"Well," Roheryn stretched out the word. "That makes things complicated, doesn't it?"


	16. Historical Reenactment

"You don't remember anything?" Grace raised an eyebrow.

"No…it's like I had a fever—there are patches of memories, but nothing that makes sense."

"Understandable, mind control always does a number on the memory," Eleven announced. "But I would like to have my Pond back before Rory has my hide."

Roheryn blushed as the end of "The Almost People" flashed in her mind. "I'll have Mr. Smith and Mr. Newman run a complete scan. The data suggests the replacement was less than a day old—shouldn't be too hard."

Grace nodded. "I'll join you momentarily. Icey, come with me. Mr. Newman can run a scan to make sure you're fine."

Icey nodded. "I'm really sorry—I don't know what happened." The gem bracelet slide down her wrist. "And this bracelet is really itchy. It bit my wrist."

"Bit it?" The Doctor grabbed her wrist. "Really?"

"Not actually, some of the links just closed on my skin."

He pulled out the sonic and ran it across the links. "No, it actually did bite you. See these little points on the inside? Needles of some sort, delivering some sort of hallucinogenic. Where did you get this? I used to have one…"

"Someone gave it to me…" Icey's eyes half-glazed over.

"Straight to Mr. Newman with you," Grace took the girl by the hand and led her out of the TARDIS. "Roheryn, have K5 analyze the bracelet."

* * *

><p>"Youch!" Drose staggered backwards. "The link's broken. Something's wrong."<p>

"How is that possible? I thought you had everything covered!" Jill crossed her arms. "We didn't even get to the staff lounge yet."

"That's what I though!" Ekculls grabbed a spread-eagled book and lobbed it at Drose. "I'm never going to get my Ekkies now."

Drose ducked as the book crashed to the floor. "Shut up, this was my idea."

The reTARDIS door swung open to reveal Esther. "Is Dr+Rose4vrr, also known as Drose, here?" Her velvet red robe trailed on the floor, with a white hood over her tangled hair.

"Yeah, what about it?"

"Come with me."

"Why?"

"Amy Pond." Esther narrowed her eyes. "And I can make this extremely unpleasant if you insist."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Drose stepped backwards.

"I don't have time for this," Esther muttered, stepping to the side. "K5."

A ray of crimson light hit the ground near Drose's feet.

"Now, if you insist on continuing this farce, I'll have to have K5 fire again, and I really don't want to do that." Esther adjusted her glasses. "I might hurt the reTARDIS."

"What about us?" Ekculls squeaked. "You might hurt us!"

"We'll deal with you later. Come along, Drose." She held out a narrow black rod. "I have a sonic rod, should you become disagreeable. "

"This is insane! You're enjoying this!" Drose shouted, but stepped up to the door anyway.

"And why shouldn't I?" Esther grinned. "March!"

As they marched away, an announcement cackled over the loudspeakers. "Would all students enrolled in "Splendid Fellows" report to the main hall for a live demonstration?"

Esther led Drose into the main hall, which had been hastily equipped with rows of bleachers rising on one side and a six-inch high platform on the other. "It will take a while for everyone to arrive, so why don't you make yourself comfortable? Actually," she amended. "I have a better idea. Why don't we review monsters in the classic series: which episode did the Daleks first appear in?"

"Dalek, of course."

Esther glared at her. "With the Ninth Doctor? Oh, this is _long_ overdue."

* * *

><p>Three Time Lords in black robes stood on the platform, staring down at Drose and the rows of students behind her. Some were scribbling notes, others staring at the ornate appareal, and at least three were trading guesses on which era they were from.<p>

"Dr+Rose4vrr, you stand accused of unlawful possession of an alien artifact, compulsion of a fellow human, kidnapping and replacing a canon character, and unlawful entry via proxy to restricted area. How do you plead?"

"Com-what-shun?" Drose stammered. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Is that your answer?"

"Don't I get a lawyer? That's in all the shows, I get a lawyer!"

"This is not a civil trial. It is a court martial and academic hearing under the laws of Gallifrey and the Official Whoniversity of Fanfiction. Besides," Esther added. "I doubt anyone would wish to stand as your counsel."

"It's insane!" She protested. "I didn't hurt anyone!"

"Is that your defense?" The judge demanded.

"If you can't see that, then you're just a lot of stupid, thick-headed, bloody idiots." Drose shouted. "Yes, that's my defense!"

"Then hear our verdict. We find you guilty of all the crimes you have been charged with. Your punishment is forced regeneration, followed by exile."

"What? You can't exile me. I haven't finished my classes yet!"

"Like you'd care." Esther scoffed. "Let them finish talking."

"The exile restrains you from post-Time War classes."

"What?" Drose screeched. "Not fair, not fair! And why is the world spinning?"

Grace's voice came over the loudspeakers. "Now, what should this all remind you of?"

"The War Games!" Sara exclaimed from the bleachers.

Esther grinned. "See, I know we could make this educational!"


	17. Accident with Conception in Time Vortex

Esther glanced at her watch. "Either that took a lot longer than it should have or my watch is wrong. It says it's already Saturday."

"Probably time slippage from returning pre-War Time Lords to Gallifrey. Anything involving the Time Lock is tricky." Grace checked her handheld. "Looks like we have just enough time to get back to the lounge before 'A Good Man Goes to War.'"

Roh glanced around the room. "It emptied pretty quickly, all things considered. Oh well, so much the better. I suppose one of us will have to stop by Drose's room later to make sure the post regeneration trauma went smoothly."

"As long as she doesn't strangle a roommate, it will be a success." Esther muttered. "Anyone should be easier to work with than her."

Roh whispered suspiciously like "famous last words." She turned over to K5. "Any way you could get us back the lounge without having to climb all those stairs?"

"Negative."

* * *

><p><em>"Tell me. Tell me who you are."<em>

_River presses her hand against his. "I am telling you. Can't you read?"_

_"But you and I …we we…" He makes kissing noises, obviously disturbed._

_"Yes," River relishes the words. _

"Who? Who?" Esther yelled. "Tell us."

_"It's me. I'm Melody. I'm your daughter."_

"WHAT!" Grace exlaimed. "Are you kidding me?"

**_Doctor Who will be back in fall 2011 with... "LET'S KILL HITLER!"_**

Galadrile's wings shot into foot-high walls of flame, sharing in her owner's excitement. She flapped wildly, almost getting off the ground before tumbling backwards into Sejeaddy. The Reaper/Aragog's wings sparked on the edges; it stumbled backwards, spilling the kettle corn and dripping into the punch bowl.

"Galadrile!" Esther scolded. "Careful."

The mini's flames diminshed to small plumes of smoke, like a campfire in the rain.

"Sow-re..." Sejeaddy burbled from the punch bowl.

"Well, this throws a wrench into things, doesn't it?" Grace got down on her hands and knees to pick up the kernals. "If we release six a now, we'll get a ton of quickly written, highly emotional fics that will be out of continuity in three months."

"And can you imagine how awkward that meeting's going to be? No wonder Eleven ran like a cat afire when he realized exactly who he'd been snogging."

"Well, what should we do in the meantime?"

"Well, considering that the Doctor and the Ponds are family now—" Roh swallowed again. "Maybe we could do some specials on family."

"That could work." Grace answered. "Let's see, in Classic Who we have Susan."

"Sarah Jane Adventures has plenty of family moments. Wilf and Donna would be a nice pair to listen too. I'd love to have them meet some time."

Roh made a face. "I forgot about Torchwood. Do I really want to make Jack rehash the whole 456 disaster with Steve?"

"Don't remind me. I took a whole bottle of Bleeprin after reading the summery." Esther rubbed her head. "All I remember is children as alien candy."

* * *

><p>Room S30E01 had somehow transformed itself into a low hill with a telescope and the night stars above. Zoe laid on her back at the base, gazing contentedly at the constellations. "There's the Big Dipper," she commented to herself.<p>

"And that's Circinus. The compass. Up there by Alpha Centari. " Someone commented.

Zoe rolled over. "Neo?"

"Well, there's not that many guys here, are there?" Neo sat up, brushing dew off his mock 8th-Doctor tee. "Were you at Drose's trial?"

"No. I was still looking for Icey. Miss Esther brought her back just before class started, under strict instructions not to say anything until she could have a meeting with us."

"Any idea what it's about?"

"Well, she didn't say-"

"Alright, you lot," Donna's voice rang out. "Sit up and pay attention. And hands off the telescope. That's my Gramps'."

"Don't make such a fuss, Sweetheart. " Wilf followed her into the room. "My goodness, there certianly are a lot of you, aren't there?"

Neo glanced at the telescope. "What model is that? It must be pretty strong if you use it in this sort of light."

"Good eye. You like astronomy?"

"It's one of the only science classes I can do with home. My mom would flip if I so much as grew sugar crystals in my bedroom. Too worried about drugs."

Wilf shrugged. "I just like imagining what might be out there. You should stop by sometime."

"Right, now that's over, let's get down to business."

* * *

><p>Ashley and Evelyn were comparing notes on the training levels. "So, you can actually jump straight up on the left side, instead of the constant zig-zagging back and forth?"<p>

"If you're quick. It just requires a slightly higher base, that's all. I got through in less than half the time that way."

"Maybe I'll try it."

"Good morning, class." Sarah Jane strode into the room. "Sorry I'm late, someone left the dimension cannon open and Travis Prolong slipped through. I would have let you lot catch it, but it somehow found a perception filter."

"That thing looks like a gummy worm."

"I guess so. Well, today I'm supposed to talk about families. Never thought I'd end up with kids, much less an alien-grown boy with no social skills, but at least being with the Doctor made me used to that." She smiled. "And now I can't imagine being without him."

"That's why I didn't like 'The Lost Boy,' " Ashley commited. "It was too sad, with both of you trying to be happy about it, but I knew you just wanted to hold on to him."

Sarah Jane closed her eyes for a moment. "It actually made me understand a bit how the Doctor felt when he left me. I mean, it seemed to be the right thing, but it hurt so much. Even if Luke had been happy there, I wouldn't have wanted to see it. Not when it wasn't with me."

Luke walked into the room. "Travast Prolong teleported home."

"Thanks." Sarah Jane gestuered to the class. "Someone just asked me about the fake parents incident. Anything you'd like to add?"

"It just didn't feel right. I mean, social interactions were still a new thing, but I felt safe with Mum. She cared about me, wanted was best for me. And at that point, she thought it would be an ordinary life." He shrugged. "Seriously, who'd want that? Kelsey Hooper, maybe."

"We couldn't get Susan. Unfortunitely, the dimension canon had difficulty reconciling the contrasting accounts of Time Lord reproduction and only gave us a picture." Mr. Newman announced.

"What sort of rubbish is that?" Grace demanded. "I mean, if it can handle Human Nature and the Eighth Doctor, it should manage a character explicately stated to be the descendant of the Doctor. Not to mention his new series statements about having a family."

"There's always Jenny-" the Xylock suggested.

"No. And don't even think about asking a post-war Doctor about it. You know how claimed-up he gets when someone asks. " Grace sighed. "I guess I'll try again later.


	18. In Which Nothing New is Revealed

Icey yanked on a latex mermaid tail and rolled into the pool. "It…it works," she grinned, kicking to one side. "Woops…I could use some practice with it."

"Can you tell us what happened yet?" Sara wandered into the room. "We were worried about you."

"Well, that's nice to know." Icey splashed in a wobbly line. "But it was kind of a blur. I just woke up in Eleven's TARDIS-"

"Eleven's TARDIS!" Sara yelped. "Evelyn, Ashley, Zoe—ICEY WAS IN ELEVEN'S TARDIS!"

The other three girls stampeded into the room. Zoe was holding a banana skin half-stuffed with Nutella, chocolate chips and mini- marshmallows, Evelyn had a handful of playing cards, and Ashley was scribbling something on her elbow.

"What _were_ you doing?" Icey asked them.

"Making a banana boat."

"Playing Canasta."

"Trying to remember the companions of the Fourth Doctor for my quiz tomorrow." Ashley answered. "Sarah Jane, Leela, Romana (marks I and II), Adric, Nyssa, and Tegan,"

"For Logoplolis only. Suppose it still counts." Evelyn pointed out, swiping a marshmallow. "But did I hear right? You were in the TARDIS?"

Icey paddled over to the edge. "Yes. Eleven was there. So were Miss Grace and Miss Roheryn."

"Really?" Zoe sat down, feet dangling in the water. "What'd he say?"

"Yeah, tell us everything."

"Well, I think it had something to do with that bracelet from Drose. Eleven said it bit me."

"_Bit_ you?"

"I'm not surprised. We're in a world where plastic chairs can eat you, after all."

"When did that happen?"

"Third Doctor—I didn't see all of it, just the previews."

"Everything went blurry for a while—like when you have a dream and wake up and fall back asleep," Icey slapped her tail against the water. "And then I was in the TARDIS and Eleven was talking about fish fingers and custard."

* * *

><p>Esther adjusted the dimension cannon settings for the fourth time. "I think I have it now."<p>

"Let's start with young Canton, Lorna, Jenny, Madame Vastra, and Dorium." Grace announced. "Then Madame Kovarian, the principles, and last of all Idris."

"Suppose we can always have Mr. Newman set up a containment vortex if necessary," Roheryn agreed. "Well, let's get it over with. Setting coordinates to vectors NS06E01 to NSO607, with filters to most recent version."

The landing pad fizzed like a soda can, solidifying into the limp body of Eleven.

"Oops," Roheryn quickly reversed the settings, sending the body back into the proper universe. "Forgot about that."

Esther rubbed the back of her neck. "This is going to be tricky. If that's the worst thing that happens from trying to pull post-arc at midterm, we're ace."

Grace glanced out at the conference room. "Here goes nothing."

Blurry silhouettes hovered above the cannon platform, slowly solidifying from beams of light into skin and bones.

"You told them?" Eleven's voice is heard first.

"Well, what was I supposed to do, Sweetie? Let them think you were dead?" River retorts.

"It's mostly my fault." Amy's voice arrived before she did.

"Not exactly," River admits.

"Oh great," Esther rubs her forehead. "This is going to be a long day."

* * *

><p>"Drose, are you alright?" Ekculls tapped on the door. "I barely saw you when you got back last night."<p>

"You won't want to." A muffled sob slipped through the door.

"Is it that bad? You know, I didn't think what happened to B'elenna was that bad. If you just take the time to get used to it…"

"It's worse."

Jill stepped out of another room into the hall and glanced at Ekculls. "Is she still sulking? What did they do to her anyway?"

A low growl comes from under the door.

"What?"

"They made me regenerate."

"Did they shoot you or something?"

"No…it just started happening and I couldn't stop it." Something crashed on the other side of the door. "Gorram stupid idiots…." Drose swore.

"Just come on out…please?" Jill pleaded. "I promise I won't laugh."

"Me too…well, I'll try. Just now let me know if you have two heads. I could try to set you up with that Zaplod block from Hitchhiker's…he exists here, doesn't he?" Ekculls tilted her head to the side. "Mind you, it all depends on which actor he looks like."

Drose muttered something highly uncomplimentary about bi-cranial beings. "That won't be a problem."

"So…just one head, then? Just come out, it can't be that terrible."

"Fine." The door opened.


End file.
